You'll Be The Death of Me
by pixelatrix
Summary: Being putty in his hands was not active participation. Renegade Fem Shep & Zaeed pairing. Slight Spoilers for ME2 & ME3. Rated M for Language & Stuff.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

**This will be an on-going story featuring a romance between Ren-Shep & Zaeed**

**This Chapter is really more of a prologue. It shows how they first met and gets the story to ME2 where things actually start.**

**This is AU-ish in a few ways, my stories always are. Rated M, mostly because I like to cuss like a sailor in life and in my stories.**

**Shepard in this is : Earthborn, was on Akuze, Renegade.**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

I.D. was a runner for the Tenth Street Reds. She was their best runner. Anything that needed to be delivered, she handled it. She was small for her age. They called her I.D. because her temper matched the color of her hair, fiery. And also because the last person to hurt her ended up with an incendiary device in their skycar.

The Reds had been family since she bailed on the orphanage at the age of twelve. The streets were her playground, and she really liked to play. The last two years, though, she had seen the stakes get raised. Her best friend had been murdered rather brutally. The authorities weren't looking the other way anymore. And she couldn't seem to find a way out of the streets or the gang that didn't involve dying.

She'd given up hope.

J.T. was the current head of the Reds. The skycar that she destroyed had been his. He had a package for her to deliver across town to a rival gang. She was halfway across town before it dawned on her what this was. It was a fucking suicide run. _She was so damn tired of it all_.

So lost in thought, it took her a while to realize that someone was following her. She darted into an alley and was stepping around a corner when she a gun pressed against the base of her neck.

_Brilliant._

"In a hurry, little girl?" There was a slight accent to the gruff voice that whispered in her ear. Her hand started to glow blue. "Now, now, I'll sever your goddamn spine before you can move your hands."

She shook her hands to lose the biotic glow. "What do you want?"

"You've got a package to be delivered to Dax." The man pushed her further into the alley. "Do you know what's in it?"

She shrugged, the gun slid along her neck. _Shit._

"Dax's expecting you. You won't make it past the goddamn front door." He walked her into the wall at the end of the alley.

"I know." She turned slowly until her back was against the wall and his gun pressed to her forehead. "You can have the fuckin' package for all I care."

"Do you know who I am?" He was amazingly casual about it all.

She gave him a long look. There was something familiar about his scars and the tattoo on his neck. He looked to be about ten years older than she was. She finally shook her head, _no_, her hair was pulled back in a long ponytail, and it pulled against the wall a little.

"Zaeed Massani," he introduced himself. "Who the hell are you?"

_Zaeed Massani? She was dying today, even if Dax didn't do it._

"I.D." She finally answered.

"That's not a name." Massani's arm holding the pistol showed no signs of tiring.

"Asa. Asa Shepard." It took her a moment to remember her own damn name.

"Shepard's not a bad name. You should use it. You don't look like much of a shepherd. Maybe you're the lamb?" He pulled the gun from her forehead, but kept it trained on her. "How old are you, little lamb?"

"Nineteen." She sighed at him. With the gun no longer on her head, she reached slowly back to grab her bag and held it out towards him. "Package is in there. I'd rather you kill me than Dax."

"Why?" Zaeed's eyes narrowed.

"Because I know what he does to women before he kills them." Shepard closed her eyes for a moment as memories of finding Kristen's body came back to her.

A hand brushed a stray tear from her cheek. Her eyes shot open to find Massani standing much closer, close enough to whisper in her ear.

"I'm not going to kill you." His hand slid around to grip the pony tail hanging down her back. He pulled her head back, and ran his other hand along her neck. His hand paused at the scar that ran along the underside of her jaw. "No, I'm definitely not going to kill you, little lamb."

All of a sudden, he let go and stepped away from her. She had to stop herself from reaching out for him. She caught the smirk in his eyes at the movement.

"C'mon, let's go for a walk." Zaeed grabbed her bag and sauntered out of the alley. He didn't even bother to see if she was following.

_Arrogant bastard._

_Sexy bastard._

She thought about making a run for it, but she felt like a goddamn moth to a flame. He led her to an upscale hotel across the city, near the Alliance docks. Zaeed tossed the bag on a table just inside the room, then ushered her inside. She walked all the way over to the large windows looking over the harbor below.

He stepped up behind her, his hands resting on her shoulders. He pulled her back against his body. One hand held her tightly, while the other pushed her hair out-of-the-way. He placed a kiss on her neck just below her hairline. He chuckled when she shivered at the feel of his stubble against her soft skin.

As she saw it, there were three options. She could let Massani seduce her, the firm hand slowly sliding into the collar of her shirt was damn convincing. She could run, the hand began to just graze the top of her right breast. _Very fucking convincing._ The most attraction option involved a more active role. The hand drifted a little lower.

_Active role it was._

She pressed into him. Her head rested back against his shoulder. His head twisted around to the right so his lips could tease the side of her neck.

_Being putty in his hands was not active participation._

Making a sudden decision, she moved out of his grasp. Her breath was coming in short bursts. She turned to find him watching her intently with hunger in his eyes. He reached for her, but she just shook her head. It was her turn, damn it.

She placed her hands on his chest for a moment, then slowly removed his armor and tossed it aside. She pulled the undershirt over his head. She didn't stop until he was completely naked. Then she shoved him back on the bed. She undressed slowly and casually. Her hoodie, shirt, pants, they all ended up in a pile on the floor.

Before she could move towards him, his hand latched to her wrist and yanked her on the bed underneath him. He held both her arms by the wrists in his hand over her head.

"You can't stay in New York." Zaeed's free hand caressed a slow path that started at her neck and slid all the way down over her abdomen between her legs. "I can always use a biotic. Come with me, Little Lamb?"

Shepard gasped in response as his fingers found their target.

* * *

When Zaeed woke up hours later, she was gone. He chuckled to himself when he found the package sitting on the table with a thank you note on it. Little redheaded lamb. If there wasn't a damn bounty involved, he would've tracked her down immediately.

Five years passed before he heard anything about his little lamb. A news report about Akuze caught his attention. The reporter bitch shoved the camera in the lone survivors face. Her hair was shorter. She had more scars, but it was her. He could still remember every goddamn detail of that one night. She'd gotten under his skin, and he couldn't get her out.

He'd always intended to track her down, but the years continued to pass. He found himself watching another news report.

"…this is Emily Wong reporting from Arcturus Station. The Alliance has confirmed that the _Normandy_ was the most recent ship to be lost in the Omega Nebula. There are twenty-one confirmed dead at this time. Commander Asa Shepard, the hero of the Citadel, has been confirmed to be among those dead. The Commander was…"

Zaeed tuned out the rest of the report. He should have tracked her down sooner. _What a bloody waste._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

**This is AU-ish in a few ways, my stories always are. Rated M, mostly because I like to cuss like a sailor in life and in my stories.**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

_Commander Asa Shepard_

Zaeed hadn't really believed it when the slinky bitch from Cerberus approached him about joining whatever the hell the Lazarus Project was. The money was hard to refuse, but what was harder to resist as the idea that Shepard might be alive.

He had finally agreed on one condition. Shepard was not to know his name. It was her first, honest reaction to seeing him. That was how he would know if it was really Shepard. And if it wasn't Shepard, The Illusive Man better watch his ass. If it was her….if it was her…life was about to get a hell of a lot more fun.

Once he arrived on Omega, he disposed of the batarian bastard quickly. Distractions wouldn't be helpful once the Cerberus vessel arrived. He found a spot in the shadows to watch the docking bay. He saw the ship arrive through the viewing windows. _Normandy_. Three soldiers stepped out of the ship's airlock. The one in front certainly looked like her.

Her hair was still a deep red, though now it was short and spiky. It suited her more than the long hair had. Her green eyes were still haunted and beautiful. There were new scars. She moved more confidently, but…was it her?

"Little lamb," he spoke while remaining partially hidden.

Shepard stopped mid-step and mid-sentence. She said something over her shoulder to the Cerberus flunkies at her side; they headed back to the ship looking rather annoyed. Zaeed watched as she finally turned her full attention back to him.

"What _did you_ say?" Shepard took a hesitant step closer. "How did you…"

"The scar under your neck is gone." He was waiting to see how close she would get.

"Skin grafts." She ran her knuckles over the spot where the scar had been. "My tattoos are all gone as well. I'll have to get them redone."

"I don't remember any tattoos." He'd seen every inch of her body too.

She flushed a little. "It doesn't matter. You sound so very familiar. Who are you?"

"Tell me about your tattoos."

"I had an N7 on the back of my neck. And…" Shepard rubbed the palm of her hand absently. "The other was a lamb…and I don't want to talk about it. It was for a man who I knew long ago."

He hadn't known about the tattoo. He'd look it up later. It meant that she was just as unable to forget him. He pushed away from the wall towards her. The light hit his face. He watched intently for her reaction.

She took an involuntary step backwards, but her hand betrayed her. It reached out towards him before she could catch herself. He grabbed her hand to keep her from pulling it back.

"So you didn't forget me, eh?" Zaeed tugged on her hand until she shifted closer to him.

_It was her._

_Well. Goddamn._

"What the hell was in that package?" Shepard grinned up at him.

"Poisoned red sand." Zaeed finally released her hand.

Shepard shook her head before starting back towards the _Normandy._ "You coming with me, Massani?"

He just nodded in response. "Big goddamn heroes."

* * *

_Fuck this shit._

It was 0300. Mordin and Garrus were both settled on the ship. Shepard had gotten the scars on her face taken care of. It had been a good goddamn day. There was no logical reason that she couldn't sleep.

_Little lamb._

_That man would be the death of her._

_He almost had been…not that he knew…and the scars were all gone._

There were still days when she closed her eyes and could feel his hands on her skin; thirteen fucking years later, she could never forget him. Four fucking decks were not going to be enough. _What could it hurt?_ She could walk around the ship and completely avoid the engineering level.

_No._

And now she was arguing with herself. The last time that happened. She was not going to think about that too much. There were some nightmares that were best left in the past. She finally gave in to the inevitable.

The elevator moved so damn slowly. It reminded her of the ones on the Citadel. _Fucking things._ She meant to hit the crew deck button. Her fingers betrayed her and hit the one underneath. All these years later, she was still just a fucking moth to his flame.

Massani was stretched out on the cot in his cargo bay when she stepped inside. He was just wearing a pair of white boxers. _Damn. _She licked her lips and tried to keep from some semblance of control. She started to back out of the room quietly, but caught sight of a familiar bag under the cot. She tip-toed over and crouched down to get a closer look.

_Fuckin' hell._

It was her old bag.

_Why the hell would he keep that?_

A quiet sound caught her attention; her head raised up to find Zaeed's eyes focused on her. She started to shift away from him but his hand caught the hem of her shirt to stop her movement. She was about to speak when she noticed a tattoo on the inside of his upper arm. It was a cane or something; she'd never seen anything like it before. Her hand reached up to trace the lines of it.

"It's a shepherd's hook. They used to use them to gather lambs." Zaeed answered the unspoken question in her eyes. "So why are you creeping into my room, little lamb?"

Shepard tried to stand but with his grip on her shirt, she lost her balance and ended up flat on her back on the floor staring up at the ceiling.

_Smooth._

There was a deep chuckle before Zaeed swung his legs around and he sat up on the edge of his bed. She briefly considered getting up but that would mean dealing with the man still laughing at her. _Damn that voice._ It made her whole body feel very, very warm indeed. She could feel parts of her body tighten just in response to his laughter. With a groan of frustration, she lifted her head and banged it against the floor.

_It didn't help._

His hand grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her back over towards him. Shepard sat up with her legs pulled up against her chest; she rested her head on top of her knees to watch him. He released her ankle.

"You're missing more than the scar on your neck." Zaeed leaned forward to run his finger along the underside. He ran his hands along her arms. "I found the Alliance report of what happened when you left the hotel that morning."

Shepard's eyes widened before she managed to get her emotions under control. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Dax found you after all. He wanted to know where I was, and you never told him. They left your body in an alley where Alliance soldiers found you. You enlisted once you were well enough to sign the papers." Zaeed recounted the tale that she'd spent years trying to forget. "There are very detailed descriptions and images of what he did to you."

"It was a very long time ago." Shepard tried to shrug it off.

There was something very difficult about sitting in such close proximity to Massani in nothing but underwear. She'd thought about being in his arms for such a long time. And he was agonizingly close. She really needed to get the hell out of the room. She started to stand but Zaeed's hands rested on her hips. He moved her slowly forward until she was standing between his legs. He stood slowly, letting his hands slide around her back.

Shepard let her head drop against his chest. He smelled just like she remembered. He felt the same. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. She ran her fingers along one of the scars on his chest. Her head tilted back until she could look in his eyes.

His mouth claimed hers.

"I'm going to take my time with you, now that I have you again." His lips brushed against hers as he spoke.

"I haven't…" Shepard pushed back from him. Her hand rested on his abdomen. The feel of the muscles underneath her fingers was about as intoxicating as his kiss. "How the hell do you still do this to me…"

His hand slid under the hem of her shirt. "I haven't done a damn thing yet."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:**

**This is AU-ish in a few ways, my stories always are. Rated M, mostly because I like to cuss like a sailor in life and in my stories.**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

_Pain_.

She wasn't sure when it started; the overwhelming need to prove to herself that she was alive. But it was some time after she woke up on that damn bed on the Lazarus Research Station like some sort of mad scientist project. She punched the walls, until it started to impede her ability to hold a pistol; her right gauntlet wasn't fitting right either. Her knuckles were too swollen, and medi-gel wasn't fixing it.

_Shit._

_Someone was definitely going to notice if she went into battle with just one glove._

The _Normandy _was already docking with Purgatory. She was out of time to come up with a solution to the problem. _Brute force it was._ She shoved a clean t-shirt into her mouth to bite down on it. Then she grabbed the gauntlet and forced her injured hand into it. _Fucking hell._ She thought she was going to pass out for a moment, but her vision finally cleared and the damn thing was on her hand.

Zaeed and Garrus were waiting when she finally headed towards the airlock. It was going to be tricky with her hand. It was swollen to the point that she couldn't really flex her fingers at all. The forced enclosure wasn't helping the pain at all either. There was no way in hell that she was going to be able to pull the trigger of a gun with it. She was going to have to rely on biotics if necessary. Picking up Jack from the prison ship, shouldn't _require_ fighting.

_What was that old saying? Men plan, the gods laugh? They were certainly highly amused with her at the moment._

Shepard couldn't help but feel amused when the fucking warden turned out to be a traitorous bastard. They were fighting through prisoners and guards at the moment, trying to find the one damn prisoner that they had come for in the first place. She felt the ground around her shake.

_A goddamn mech._

She leaned around the wall to see it bearing down on Garrus while he tried to reload his rifle. _Shit. _She tried to grab her rifle, but her hand wouldn't close around the damn thing. Zaeed was positioned to her right but he wasn't close enough to help Vakarian. He was watching her struggle with a curious look on his face.

_No risk, no reward, right?_

She darted over the barrier, glowing blue. There was a shout from Zaed that she pretended not to hear. She leapt over Garrus and began tossing biotic throws at the mech's head. She used the short wall that was in front of them as a jumping point to land on its shoulders. A biotic pulse short-circuited the damn thing almost immediately. The damn thing was rigged for explosion though and it sent her flying across the room.

She hit a metal crate and landed face first on the floor. "Fuck me that hurt."

"Have you lost your goddamn mind?" Zaeed raced over with Garrus close behind.

Shepard used her good hand to push herself up on her feet. She headed for the exit. They had to be close to finding Jack. She didn't want Zaeed checking too closely for injuries. She glanced back at him to find him once again watching the way that she was holding her file.

_Stay calm._

They found Warden Kuril in the next area of the ship. It didn't take long for Zaeed to put a bullet through the fucker's skull. Then she had to focus all her attention on convincing Jack to trust her, and Miranda to hand over the access to Cerberus' files. She was exhausted by the time that she trudged up to her cabin.

Getting the gauntlet off her swollen hand proved to be more difficult than getting it on, it ended up causing a lot more damage. _Shit._ Maybe the doc would believe it happened on Purgatory? She contemplated her options until EDI informed her that Mr. Massani was outside her quarters, and refused to leave.

"I'm busy," she yelled through the door.

"Open the damn door before I tell the doc about your hand," Zaeed yelled back.

_Fucker._

She finally ordered EDI to open the door then log out. She wandered over to collapse on the couch, not bothering to invite him in. He followed her into the living quarters. He grabbed the destroyed gauntlet off the floor. There was still dried blood on the outside. It was the blood _inside _that caught his attention. She casually slid her hands into her pockets while his attention was focused elsewhere.

"Let me see your hand." Zaeed set the piece of armor on the table.

Shepard pulled out her left hand, which was perfectly fine, and waved it at him. Zaeed gave her a very pointed look. She eased her right hand out of her pocket with a sigh. It was very badly swollen. She was pretty certain that at least two fingers were broken. The scrapes from getting the glove off were at least healed thanks to medi-gel.

"What happened?" He gently turned her hand from side to side to get a better look at the damage.

"I think it was the mech." She kept her eyes on her hand to avoid him. It felt wrong, lying to him.

"Chakwas needs to look at this." He finally let go of her hand.

"I will."

"Now, Shepard." Zaeed's voice hardened instantly.

With an annoyed sigh, she stood and headed for the door. He was right behind her, but he stopped just as they walked past the aquarium.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

"Little Lamb?"

There was a quiet warning in his voice. She walked back over to him. He pointed at a spot on the wall that was damaged slightly. He pressed his fist into the indentation, and then turned concerned eyes towards her.

"Let's go see the doc." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and led her to the elevator. "Then you're going to tell me why you broke your own goddamn hand."

An hour later, her hand was re-set, wrapped up and she was tripping on the pain meds. The doc had given her a rather stern lecture about prolonging injuries unnecessarily. Shepard let Massani guide her back up to the top deck. He stripped down to his boxers, and then helped her with her boots and greaves. He eased back on the bed and held her gently in his arms. She slowly relaxed into him, her head rested on his chest.

"How long were you punching that wall?" Zaeed asked.

"It just happened once." She hid the lie behind a long yawn. "I'm too sleepy for serious conversation."

"That's the pain meds."

Shepard shifted around getting comfortable in his arms, and then slowly drifted into a restless sleep. She hoped as she slid into dreams that it wasn't a repeat of the previous few weeks. But like every night since waking up from the dead, she shot out of bed screaming. It was impossible to get used to the nightmares that haunted her. She ended up on the floor, trying desperately to slam her fist into something…anything.

Strong arms wrapped around her quickly and lifted her back up on the bed, Zaeed sat with his back against the wall at the head of the bed. Shepard found herself very tightly held in his lap. She struggled a little against his hold.

"None of that, little lamb." Zaeed wasn't about to budge an inch. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you, not even yourself."

She didn't have a response for that.

"You're safe now. I promise you that." He whispered against her spiky red hair.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**

**This is AU-ish in a few ways, my stories always are. Rated M, mostly because I like to cuss like a sailor in life and in my stories.**

***potential triggers* **

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

"No, no, no, no, no."

The whisper caught Zaeed's attention the moment that he walked on the crew deck. He followed it into Life Support where he found Shepard on the floor with her head in her hands. She was rocking slightly; there was a datapad in front of her. He squatted down beside her and grabbed it to see what had upset her so much.

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: Welcome Back._

_Thank god you're alive._

_Come by the Citadel when you get a chance._

_I've intercepted some disturbing messages that you need to see._

_They were being sent to your old Alliance account. I'm including a few of them._

_They stopped after the original Normandy was destroyed. They started up a week ago._

_Take care of yourself. Keep me updated._

_Anderson._

* * *

_Messages included below:_

_From: Unknown Sender_

_To: Commander Shepard_

_Subj: I.D._

_Did you forget me?_

_I haven't forgotten you. Here's a little reminder._

_D._

* * *

There were at least thirty messages. Each one contained an attachment of a vid. The vids were all footage of what had been done to Shepard years ago after she left the hotel. Dax had clearly been recording what he did to her. _Son-of-a-bitch._ It gave Zaeed an all too clear view of what she had gone through. It was sick and disturbing. He crushed the datapad in hands breaking the screen. Tossing it aside, he focused his attention on Shepard.

"It was Anderson that found me that night in the alley." Shepard glanced up when he placed a hand on her shoulder to stop the rocking. "He paid the hospital bills. Earth wasn't safe for me anymore, so he helped me enlist. I didn't have any official documents. There's no birth certificate or anything. I couldn't even prove that I was nineteen. Anderson became my legal guardian to smooth it all over."

"He's a good man." Zaeed grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it over so he could sit. He tried to pull her up into his lap but she dodged his arms. "Dax can't hurt you."

Shepard got to her feet and headed for the door. She spoke over her shoulder while she walked. "Don't lie to me, Massani. I know better than anyone what that bastard is capable of."

He followed her all the way up to the CIC. She stepped up to the Galaxy Map to set a course for the Citadel. Kelly Chambers was standing at her terminal watching the Commander carefully. Zaeed didn't trust the little bitch at all. He had no doubt that she sent daily reports to the Illusive Man.

"Commander, the Illusive Man was hoping that you would be heading out to meet with Warlord Okeer on Korlus." Chambers spoke up once Shepard had confirmed the new course with Joker.

Shepard stared down at the map for a moment then finally turned towards Kelly. "We're going to the Citadel."

"But…" Kelly trailed off when Shepard started towards her. "Yes, Commander."

Shepard stepped over to her terminal to send a quick message to Anderson. They would have to meet _officially_ at the Presidium. But she knew he had an apartment on the Citadel and she wanted to stop there first. She had the distinct feeling that Zaeed wasn't going to let her go alone. Not with the threat of Dax looming over her. Her hand was still wrapped up from the earlier problem.

_Shit._

Anderson was definitely going to have something to say about it. She also had no idea how he was going to respond to Massani. The councilor knew that Zaeed was the reason that Dax had grabbed her. He'd always known that something happened between the two of them. This was going to be…_awkward._

"I'm going with you." Zaeed was waiting at the airlock an hour later when the _Normandy_ docked at the Citadel.

"Of course you are." Shepard just rolled her eyes and headed off the ship with Zaeed following close behind. She headed over to find a cab to take her to Tiberius Towers.

"Aren't we headed for the Presidium?" Zaeed frowned when the skycar headed in the opposite direction.

"Nope."

Her anxiety level kept going up the closer that they got to Anderson's apartment. She parked the vehicle and started into the building. Her hands were practically shaking by the time they got to the door. Anderson opened the door with a wide smile on his face. He pulled her into his arms for a hug. His arms tightened around her when he caught sight of Zaeed.

"What the _hell_ is he doing here?" Anderson released Shepard and stepped back to let them both into his home.

"Anderson, meet Zaeed Massani. He's helping me take down the Collectors." Shepard tried to keep her injured hand behind her body. "How've you been?"

"Good. Busy." Anderson frowned at the bounty hunter before finally turning his attention to Shepard. "Udina's an even bigger pain in the ass."

"I'm sure you're so very surprised by that." Shepard followed him into the living room. "How's Kaidan?"

"Staff Commander Alenko is on assignment, and I can't tell you any more than that." Anderson's eyes drifted down to her side. He stepped over to her and gently reached down to lift her arm up. He looked the bandage on her over carefully before holding her hand between his hands. His eyes were filled with sadness when they finally met hers. "Again?"

She looked down at the floor. She didn't want to see disappointment in his face. Anderson was the closest thing to a parent that she'd ever had. He'd seen her at some of the worst moments in her life. She tried to step away but it would've required injuring her hand further to do so.

"Asa."

Shepard ignored him.

"Shepard." Anderson tried again.

She finally glanced up first at Zaeed who was sitting on the couch watching the exchange with interest and then up at Anderson. "I had a …disagreement with the wall."

"And the wall won?" Anderson hazarded a guess.

"It always does." Shepard succeeded in removing her hand from his and collapsed on the couch next to Massani.

"She's done this before?" Zaeed asked Anderson.

Anderson looked to Shepard for permission and when she nodded with a sigh, he answered Zaeed's question. "Shepard internalized a lot of her trauma. It got the better of her several times and she always seemed to vent that by punching walls, trees, any inanimate object really. It was better than…"

"Anderson." Shepard stood abruptly. Zaeed didn't need to know about the darker moments.

The two men watched her while she paced anxiously over to the large windows in the apartment. She turned back around after a moment. She knew that the bounty hunter would pester her until he knew everything. But she just wasn't ready to talk about it.

They moved on to other subjects, safer subjects. When they were leaving, Anderson gave Massani a look and Shepard knew that she would be hearing more about that from the Councilor. They headed back to the Presidium for the official meeting, then they headed back to Zakera Ward to pick up Kasumi Goto.

* * *

It was hours later before the subject from earlier came back up again. Zaeed was lying on his back on Shepard's bed. She was curled up next to him, his arm draped around her. He'd been thinking about the conversation at Anderson's apartment all day.

"What was Anderson talking about?" Zaeed asked.

Shepard sighed but said nothing.

"Little lamb?"

She just shifted closer to him in response.

"I'm not going anywhere, Shepard." Zaeed turned on his side and pulled her closer.

"There was a particularly bad night several years ago, right after Akuze. Anderson found me." Shepard buried her face in his chest.

He waited in silence until she was ready to start talking again.

"Did you know that it's possible for a biotic to literally self-destruct?" Shepard spoke so softly that he almost missed it.

"Self-destruct?"

"I tested biotic throws on myself," Shepard explained. "By the time that Anderson found me, I was bleeding from the ears and nose. I'd stretched my biotic abilities to the limit. I was in a hospital for days. It's a miracle that they didn't Cat-6 me."

"Suicide by biotics?" Zaeed's fingers began brushing up and down her back.

"Something like that."

"I don't care where I am or what time of day it is. If you ever feel that way again, you find me first." Zaeed lifted her chin so that she made eye contact with him. "You promise me that much, Little Lamb."

She studied him for a while before nodding. "Ok."

"No, promise me." He insisted.

"I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:**

**This is AU-ish in a few ways, my stories always are. Rated M, mostly because I like to cuss like a sailor in life and in my stories.**

***potential triggers* **

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

_Kaidan Alenko._

_Zaeed Massani._

_What could possibly go wrong?_

Perhaps, it might be better for Shepard to be focused on Horizon and the collectors. Not to mention the fact that the _fix_ that Mordin had come up with was only theoretical. He couldn't tell her if it would really work. Garrus was joining her and Zaeed planet side.

She could trust Vakarian to step between Massani and Alenko if they got into it.

_Got into it._

That turned out to be putting it mildly. They'd barely managed to chase off the collectors when Alenko appeared out of nowhere and decided to be a complete jackass. It was that precise moment that Zaeed decided to tackle the _Staff Commander_ to the ground. She let Massani get a few really good punches in before helping Garrus separate the two men.

"I thought I meant something to you. I thought the Alliance meant something to you." Alenko shouted after her while she headed back to the shuttle. "How could you betray Anderson?"

Shepard stopped mid-step. Garrus was too busy holding back Zaeed to even notice that she wasn't moving. Her hands were glowing in a familiar blue when she started back towards Kaidan. She slammed her fist straight into Alenko's chest. The biotic pulse sent him flying into a nearby wall.

"You mean _nothing_ to me." Shepard's voice shook with rage. She stalked back towards the shuttle, pausing once to slam her fist through the window of one of the pre-fab colony homes. She didn't notice the blood streaming from her hand until she got into the shuttle.

_Shit._

The shuttle was already taking off when she collapsed into a chair. She was carefully holding her hand in front of her. Medi-gel wouldn't help much until Chakwas plucked all the fucking glass out of it. The doc was going to be pissed. _Fucking Alenko. _They'd flirted with the idea of a relationship. But Shepard could never quite get a gruff mercenary out of her mind. Shepard closed her eyes and willed the shuttle to fly faster. She felt a hand on her knee and opened her eyes to find Zaeed getting a closer look at her hand.

"What _happened?"_ His voice held an edge to it.

"I decided that crushing Alenko's head was a bad idea. I broke a window instead." She gritted he teeth when he slowly started pulling the pieces of glass from her hand. He applied medi-gel when he finished.

"So what exactly did that _boy_ mean to you?" Zaeed asked once he'd determined that her hand wasn't seriously injured.

"Not what he thought he meant," Shepard shrugged. She closed her eyes once again and Zaeed apparently decided to leave it at that for the moment.

Chambers harassed her the moment that she got back on the _Normandy_. The Yeoman wanted to know all about Alenko. Shepard just muttered under her breath and headed down to see why Grunt was trying to destroy her ship.

It turned out the baby Krogan was sick. _Fucking wonderful._ She told Joker to head for Tuchanka. Zaeed was waiting by her terminal when she stepped back on the CIC. She ducked around him to check her messages.

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: Horizon_

_What exactly did Alenko say to deserve cracked ribs?_

_Anderson_

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: re: Horizon_

_He suggested that I have betrayed your trust._

_Betrayed you._

_Shepard_

* * *

There was a message from Alenko that she erased without bothering to read what it said.

"Shepard?"

She turned slowly towards Chambers with a very unfriendly look on her face. "It's Commander, actually."

"Commander, sorry." The Yeoman shifted nervously on her feet. "Could you please ask Mr. Massani not to…"

"Kelly, Zaeed can go and do just about whatever the hell he wants on my ship." Shepard cut her off before she could finish her sentence. "I think you should go get yourself a cup of coffee."

"I'm not…yes, Commander." Kelly made a quick retreat into the elevator.

Shepard turned back to her terminal, carefully avoiding Zaeed's amused gaze. Anderson had already responded.

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: re: Horizon_

_Vid-Comm._

_Now._

_Anderson_

* * *

She was tempted to ignore the order just out of aggravation. Instead, she stormed into the elevator. Zaeed darted in before the doors closed. She was silent all the way over to her private terminal. Zaeed leaned against the fish tank, just out of view while she hailed Anderson over the comm.

"Anderson." She greeted when he finally appeared.

"Alenko was out of line." Anderson stated the obvious.

"You could've sent that in your message." Shepard stated it right back to him.

"I never got a chance to say this to you before, and then it was too late, you were gone. I'm proud of you, Shepard. You would never betray the Alliance and that's what I told Alenko." Anderson seemed to be considering something before continuing. "You'd never betray me. How are you? Truly?"

"I'm fine." She said it too quickly, and the frown on his face was proof. "I'll be fine. I've got to go Anderson, we're headed to Tuchanka."

Anderson nodded, "keep in touch."

An hour later, Zaeed, Grunt and Shepard were learning about Krogan puberty rituals from Wrex. It would've all been highly amusing if it like everything on Tuchanka; it wasn't resolved with extreme amounts of violence. The level of violence wasn't the problem.

"So let me get this straight, we have to fight varren and klixen." Zaeed shrugged like that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. "Anything else?"

"Then there's the mother of all challenges." Wrex laughed.

"Which is?" Shepard gave her old friend a tired look.

"A thresher maw."

Her entire body froze at the mere mention of the creature. _Of course, life just wouldn't be complete without facing those fuckers again._

"Shepard?"

She started when she realized that Wrex was standing in front of her. "You owe me a bottle of ryncol when we kill that giant worm."

"Talk with the Shaman. It's good to see you again, Shepard." Wrex climbed back on to his throne of rubble.

There was nothing left to do but get the fucking thing over with. She knew Zaeed was watching her carefully, so she did her best to keep her expression calm and…normal. If he thought for a second that she was on the verge of panic, he wouldn't let her go anywhere near the damn rite of passage.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:**

**Fair warning, this story is going to be a lot darker than my other fics to date and I don't think future chapters of it will get any lighter lol. **

***potential triggers* **

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

"_Shepard!"_ Zaeed dived across the debris to knock the Commander to the ground.

_Goddamn Thresher Maws._

She clung to him as he dragged her behind the wall. The fucking maw sent a blast of acid that flew over their heads. Shepard stared at the ground where it landed. He had forgotten about Akuze but she hadn't. That explained her reaction to Wrex's comment when they were discussing the rite earlier.

"Shepard?"

She looked up at him then but all she could see was Corporal Toombs and the rest of her squad from Akuze.

Zaeed grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Snap the fuck out of it, Shepard."

Grabbing her rocket launcher, she launched over the wall and ran straight towards the giant worm. The rocket launcher didn't stop firing until all the rockets were gone. The maw had been dead for at least ten minutes, but she kept firing into its carcass. She sank to her knees and stared at the creature.

"Heads up." Zaeed nudged her leg with his boot.

Shepard glanced up to find Uvenk arriving with a contingent of krogan. _Shit._ Maybe head-butting the bastard hadn't been such a great idea. She exchanged the heavy weapon for a rifle, and headed over to greet the bastard. It wasn't until later when they were on the shuttle headed back to the _Normandy _that she realized Zaeed was still watching her closely.

The Galaxy Map was her first top once they got to the ship. With a course set for Illium, Shepard headed up to her cabin. She needed to talk to Anderson. Zaeed was already sitting on _her couch_ with his feet up on _her coffee table_.

"Comfortable, Massani?" She rolled her eyes at him.

"You could always join me, Little Lamb." He stretched his arms along the back of the couch.

Shepard ignored him and checked her messages. There was an angry note from Corporal Toombs. _Damn it._ She was so tired of all the nightmares that plagued her. It made her feel weak, and that was one thing that she couldn't afford to be.

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: Tuchanka_

_There are thresher maws on Tuchanka._

_I killed one on foot with a rocket launcher._

_Shepard_

* * *

Closing the terminal, she hadn't gone more than two steps when the damn thing beeped to signal an incoming vid-comm. Shepard frowned but moved back in front of it to answer the hail.

"Anderson?" Shepard tilted her head in confusion.

"I just wanted to make sure that…"Anderson's voiced trailed off.

"That I'm not killing myself in the bathroom?" She finished for him.

"Asa."

"Sorry." Shepard rubbed her hand across her eyes. "I'm fine, Anderson, no worries."

"And running straight at a thresher maw with a rocket launcher was what?" Anderson sounded dubious.

"Successful," Shepard shrugged.

"Udina's waiting for me. We'll discuss this later. You stay safe, Asa." Anderson disconnected the vid.

"Are you fine?" Zaeed asked once she was seated on the couch next to him.

"Of course."

The lie came fast and easy like it always did. She pulled her legs up under her on the couch and rested her head on his shoulder. If she was napping, he couldn't ask questions. She faux-napped all the way to Illium.

Shepard stepped out of the airlock on Illium with Zaeed and Mordin following close behind. The concierge greeted them and directed her to Liara's office. They were looking over the skyline when Shepard glanced over at the crowd and a familiar face caught her attention.

_Dax._

_No. No. No._

_Not him. Not now._

Her vision started to narrow and her throat felt like it was closing up on her. Her hand shot out to grab Zaeed's arm to keep her standing upright. He looked down at her in concern and then followed her gaze towards a rapidly disappearing figure.

"Who was that, Little Lamb?" Zaeed rested a hand on top of hers.

"A fucking ghost, nothing more than a ghost." Shepard pulled her hand from her arm and tried to laugh it off. "I…I thought I saw someone who I recognized."

"Who?"

But she just shook her head and started towards Liara's office. It had to be a mistake. The odds of Dax being on Illium were…Mordin could probably calculate that for her. That was if he ever stopped rambling about asari architecture and fertility rites.

She was just starting up the stairs to T'soni's when she spotted a familiar tag in the small corner of the first step. She bent down to touch it. It was the tag that she had used when she was in the Reds. It was an exact replica, down to the way that she wove the I.D. into the Tenth Street Reds symbol.

"Who the hell did you see?" Massani crouched down next to her staring intently at the graffiti. She wondered if he recognized it.

"Liara's waiting." Shepard straightened up and started up the stairs again.

A strong hand on her arm stopped her forward movement. She glanced down at it then up at the bounty hunter attached to it.

"Not here, please, not now. We can talk about it later, on the _Normandy." _She held her breath until he finally nodded and let go of her arm. She just hoped that she was wrong and it wasn't Dax.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**

**Fair warning, this story is going to be a lot darker than my other fics to date. **

***potential triggers* **

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

"Zaeed? Can you hear me?" Shepard whispered as quietly as possible, hoping that her comm would still pick it up.

"He can't hear you, darling."

It was a voice that she would know anywhere and anytime, the voice that filled her nightmares.

_Dax._

The words had come from somewhere ahead of her. She took a moment to take stock of her situation. Her weapons were gone. They must have been lost when the skycar crashed on Azure. The damn crash had also gotten her separated from Liara and Zaeed.

_No weapons. No backup._

_Fuck._

Her omni-tool told her that she was at least four levels above her squad.

_Damn it._

She had her biotics.

"I'm going to enjoy playing with you again. I think I'll leave little pieces for Massani to find." Dax's voice was closer.

Shepard rounded the corner to face him with her hands shimmering blue. And there he was, with a goddamn shotgun pointed at her. He hadn't changed much in thirteen years. He was still a mountain of a man, at least six foot six inches with short black hair and muddy brown eyes. She didn't get a chance to react when he slammed the shotgun into her face.

"You always were a stupid little bitch." He fired the shotgun at point-blank range.

With a dive to the side, she managed to avoid an instant death. The blast caught her in the left arm. _Motherfucker_. There was no time to deal with the injury. She dragged herself towards a nearby door. Dax followed at a leisurely pace, whistling a tune to himself. She would gladly have crushed his damn windpipe.

The asshole was stalking her across the roof. His hand clamped down on her injured arm just before she reached the door. She twisted wildly in his grasp, but his fingers dug painfully into the bullet wound. _Son-of-a-bitch._ It took a single biotic throw to launch him across the roof.

His head slammed into a ventilation shaft and it appeared to knock him out. Shepard didn't wait to find out for certain. She fumbled with the door and finally stumbled through it.

"Zaeed? Liara?" Shepard took the stairs two at a time, using her omni-tool to guide her towards them.

The staircase led back to the landing pad where they had originally crashed. Neither T'soni or Massani were there. The omni-tool had led her to their skycar. _Useless piece of shit._ She found her rifle and pistol. She clutched the weapons in her hand like a goddamn lifeline.

Medi-gel helped stop the bleeding. But seeing Dax had shattered something deep inside of her. She heard footsteps and she gripped the rifle in her hand more tightly. She sank down to the ground to hide behind the wrecked vehicle.

Dax came around the corner. They fired at each other at almost the exact same time. He caught her in the upper thigh; she got him in the right side. A sound from behind her caught his attention. Before she could ire again, he dived into awaiting skycar and flew away.

_Fuck._

The second gunshot had thankfully just grazed her upper thigh. Chakwas would need to check both the wounds. She tried different comm channels, desperate to hear a friendly voice.

"Where is Shepard, Vasir?"

Shepard finally picked the right channel. She could hear Zaeed trying to get information from the asari spectre. Vasir was apparently dying or dead because Massani uttered a string of inventive _fuck yous_.

"Zaeed?"

"Shepard?" His cursing stopped mid-fuck which at any other time, she would have found funny.

"I'm by the landing pad where we crashed." She glanced down at the dried blood on her armor. "I've been shot."

"We'll be right there." He sounded like he was running. "Was it one of the broker's agents?"

"Yes…and no." She leaned her head back against the car. Her face hurt too much to talk, so she stopped.

Zaeed raced up a few minutes later. He knelt beside her. He touched gentle fingers to the bruise forming on her cheek. "Who punched you? Mercs shoot to kill."

"I don't want to talk about it." Shepard did the one thing guaranteed to stop him from badgering her. She passed out.

Hours later, she woke up in the _Normandy _MedBay. Her head as throbbing still, but her arm and leg seemed fine. It appeared she had been right about them just being a graze. She sat up and glanced around the sick bay. Through the window, she could see Zaeed seated in the mess frowning over a datapad. He looked up finally and met her gaze through the glass.

"You should be good as new, Commander. But I'd suggest at least a day before you head out to get injured again." Chakwas stepped into her line of sight.

"Ok, Doc." Shepard slid off the bed. "Can I rest in my own damn bed though?"

Shepard was already headed for the door when the doctor nodded. Zaeed met her just outside the med bay. He still had the datapad in his hand.

"T'soni's provided a few files on the Shadow Broker." He handed the report to her. "She's ready to head to Hagalaz when you are."

She stared at it without really reading a word. "We'll head there tomorrow at 0800."

"Are you alright, Little Lamb?" Zaeed sounded very concerned.

"Fine." She held the datapad out and dropped it without even seeing if his hand had reached out to take it.

Once she got to her cabin, she sent a message to Liara so she'd know when to meet them on the ship. There was a note from Anderson.

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: Are you ok?_

_We intercepted another message._

_What's going on, Asa? _

_Anderson_

_Enclosed message:_

_From: Unknown Sender_

_To: Commander Shepard_

_Subj: Good to see you._

_Good to shoot you._

_D._

_End Enclosure._

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: Fine._

_I'm fine._

_Shepard_

* * *

There was a beep as Anderson tried to contact her via Vid-Comm. She just didn't have the energy to pretend that she was ok with him. So she ignored her. There was a second beep indicating a new message.

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: re: Fine._

_Answer my damn hail, Asa._

_Anderson_

* * *

She decided to ignore him for now. She closed the terminal and stumbled towards the bed. Maybe sleep would make everything better.

_No!_

Shepard was started awake by her own screams hours later. She found herself sitting up on the couch, not on the bed where she'd been sleeping. She glanced down to find a pistol in her hand. That didn't worry her. It was pointed towards her body. _That did worry her._

_Not again._

_Fucking Dax._

"EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Please ask Zaeed to come up here, and then log out. No recordings." Shepard's hand trembled around the pistol. She couldn't seem to point it away or put it down.

"Hey, Shepard, the orb said that you…" His voice trailed off when he caught sight of the gun. "Little Lamb?"

"I woke up like this." She couldn't stop the tremor in her voice or in her hand.

"Can you put it down?" Zaeed moved slowly towards her. He kept his voice low and soothing.

"I keep trying." It was like having an out-of-body experience.

Massani reached out to take the gun from her hand. She didn't move when he wrapped his hand around the weapon and tossed it across the room.

"You want to tell me about what happened on the roof?" He sat on the coffee table across from her. His hands gently took a hold of hers.

Shepard pushed him away and began to pace the room. "I got shot."

Zaeed moved from the coffee table to the couch to watch her pace. He slouched down into the seat. She thought he might be trying to appear casual to help her relax.

"Yu were right that it wasn't a merc." She stopped in front of the aquarium to watch the fish swim. "Dax was on the roof."

"Dax?" Zaeed sat up straighter and his eyes narrowed.

"I think he's working with the Shadow Broker. Working with, or working for, I'm not sure." She glanced back at him over her shoulder.

"I'll kill him."

"Hey, Shepard." Joker's voice interrupted whatever else Zaeed had been about to say.

"What is it, Joker?" Shepard stepped closer to the fish tank to feed the fish.

"We've got Councilor Anderson requesting permission to board the _Normandy." _Joker sounded amused. She might have to strangle the bastard.

_Fuck. She should have responded to his last message. _

"Send him up here, Joker." Shepard touched her finger tips to her still sore cheek; at least, the bullet wounds were almost completely healed. She gave Zaeed a warning look. "Not a word from you."

It didn't take Anderson long to storm into her quarters. He glanced first at Zaeed, then at Shepard. His eyes took in the bruise on her face. He was walking towards her when he stopped. Shepard followed his gaze to the gun that was on the floor between the wall and her bed.

_Shit._

"Why is there a gun on the floor?" Anderson continued until he was close enough to get a better look at the damage to her cheek. "And why does it look like someone pistol-whipped you?"

"Shotgun whipped technically," Shepard corrected. If she avoided the question, maybe she wouldn't have to delve deeper into what happened.

"And the gun?" Anderson placed gentle hands on her shoulders only to snatch them back when she cried out. "Shepard?"

"She got shot." Zaeed spoke up from the couch. "Dax was on Illium."

_Shit._

"Dax?" Anderson glanced down at the gun on the floor once again with a sigh. "You keep your promise to me, Asa."

"What promise?" Zaeed asked but they both ignored him.

Shepard just nodded. She let Anderson pull her in for a gentle hug. He stepped back and glared over at Zaeed.

"You keep her safe, Massani." Anderson ordered and then spun on his heel and left.

"What the bloody hell was that about?" Zaeed asked once the Councilor was gone.

"I promised him that I wouldn't die by my own hand." Shepard finally answered.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:**

**Fair warning, this story is going to be a lot darker than my other fics to date. **

***potential triggers* **

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

The Shadow Broker's base was massive and annoying. It kept her mind focused on the mission though. It was relatively simple to fight their way into the main portion of the base. She felt better once she wasn't looking over the edge of the ship constantly. It was inside the base that it got _complicated_.

_Dax was here._

Shepard didn't need to see him to know. They cleared the first area and where heading deeper in when a door to her left opened and she was dragged inside. She could hear Zaeed pounding on the door. She was slammed against the wall and dropped to the floor.

"It's a pity that you're worth so much alive. I'd like to _keep_ you for a little longer." Dax kicked her in the head.

It took a moment for her vision to clear. Zaeed was no longer banging on the door but she could still hear his muffled cursing. Liara was probably using her hacking tool to get the door open. Shepard just had to survive. _Survive. _Dax did _not_ need to survive.

* * *

"Hurry the fuck up, you bloody woman." Zaeed paced anxiously behind Liara.

They could hear what sounded like a fucking bar brawl on the other side of the door. He was going to shoot the goddamn asari bitch in the head if she didn't get the door open. The brawl turned into a gunfight.

"Get this goddamn door open!" Zaeed spun around when they heard gunshots.

"Oh goddess." Liara got the door open and stopped just inside with a horrified look on her face.

Zaeed shoved her out-of-the-way impatiently. "Bloody hell."

There was blood spatter everywhere. Shepard was on the floor in the far corner of the room with a pistol in her hand. Dax was dead. Zaeed knelt to check the man's pulse. _Dead._ He looked like his head had been slammed against the ground repeatedly. It must have happened before she emptied the clip into his body.

"He's dead?"

Zaeed looked up at Shepard. She'd gotten to her feet and was rubbing her hands on her armor trying to get the blood off them. It wasn't working. He stood and stepped over Dax's body to get to her. There was a gash on her forehead, but he couldn't see any other physical wounds. He reached out to touch a hand to her face but she jerked way from him.

"Little Lamb?" He spoke softly while Liara made herself scarce.

"I just want to get this shit over and get off this goddamn ship. Please don't touch me right now." She ducked around his outstretched hands. "We've got a broker to kill."

He let Shepard lead the way. He wasn't sure what happened after they stepped into the Shadow Broker's office. They were talking to the ugly ass Yahg when it all went dark. When he finally woke up, the bastard was dead. And Liara was the new Shadow Broker.

_Fucking hell._

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: Dax_

_Is dead._

_I bashed the bastard's head in._

_Problem solved._

_Shepard_

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: re: Dax_

_Are you ok?_

_Anderson_

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: re: Dax_

_I'm fine._

_Shepard_

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: re: Fine._

_Then why aren't you answering your vid-comm?_

_Anderson_

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: re: Vid-Comm_

_I'm busy._

_Shepard_

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: That's bullshit._

_Why aren't you answering?_

_Anderson_

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: re: bullshit._

_You know why. _

_I'll talk to you later._

_Shepard_

* * *

Stepping away from the terminal, Shepard scrounged around in her locker to find the bottle of ryncol that Wrex had sent her. It tasted like shit, but numbed away every fucking thing. She bared got through a quarter of the bottle.

_Fuck numb._

She wasn't even sure if she had a goddamn should've remembered that alcohol was a depressant.

_Shit._

Ryncol and Wrex. At least she had two goddamn things to blame her current state of affairs on. She was on her back in a puddle of water, fish and glass. It had seemed like a good idea to see if the aquarium glass was bullet proof.

_It wasn't._

_Poor fish._

"What the bloody hell happened here?"

"Ryncol." Shepard tilted her head back so she could see Zaeed standing just behind her. "The fishies bit the dust. It's sad."

"I'll buy you some more fish." Zaeed chuckled. "There's a light flashing on your terminal."

"Anderson."

"Why haven't you answered his call?" Zaeed lifted her up out of the water and glass to set her on the couch.

"Harder to lie when he can see my face." Shepard brushed stray pieces of glass out of her hair.

"Lie about what?" Zaeed tossed a towel to her.

Shepard didn't answer. She just started drying off as best she could with the towel. She'd change clothes later. She didn't want Zaeed to get too good of a look at the damage that Dax had done to her body before she killed him.

"You didn't answer my question. Little lamb?" Zaeed tossed a dry t-shirt too her.

"No, I didn't." Shepard set the shirt aside and continued towel drying her hair.

"Well?"

Shepard just shrugged and tossed the towel back to him.

Zaeed took a seat next to her on the couch. He glanced at her wet clothing. "Going to change?"

She shrugged again.

"Little lamb?" Zaeed turned a shrewd gazed towards her. "What happened in the fifteen minutes that it took Liara to get that damn door open?"

Shepard opened her mouth to respond but found that she couldn't speak. She started up off the couch but Zaeed wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her back down on the couch. She twisted in his grasp to bury her face against his neck. She let him lift her shirt to get a better look at the bruises on her back and sides.

"Bloody fucking bastard." Zaeed muttered. He pulled her wet shirt off and slowly slid the dry one on. His fingers brushed the sides of her breasts before resting on her hips.

"I'm exhausted." Shepard stared pointedly at the door.

Zaeed chose to ignore her. He lifted her up and carried her over to the bed. He stripped her wet cargo pants off her and laid her gently under the cover. He slid under them beside her. She grumbled a little but let him gather her into his arms. She fell asleep sheltered in his embrace.

She woke up hours later gasping for air. Strong arms were holding her tightly and she panicked. She started to fight against them. She used her feet to push herself away. She was half-way across the room when she finally woke up fully.

"Come back to bed, Little Lamb." Zaeed was leaning up on his elbows watching her with concern.

She was hovering on the top of the stairs and sank down to sit on the top. "Will the nightmares ever stop?"

"Come here, Shepard."

She stayed on the step. Her hands covered her face and she tried to slow her breathing down. Footsteps told her that he had gotten off the bed. His hands pulled hers away from her face. He knelt so that he was at eye level with her.

"It'll be ok, Little Lamb." He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and then one on her lips.

Shepard just shook her head in response. She'd had a life time of learning that it was never ok. _Never._ There was always a new nightmare to replace the old one. But she let Zaeed pull her into his arms and take her back to bed.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**

**I promise this will have less angsty and dramatic chapters, but this definitely isn't one of them.**

***potential triggers* **

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: re: Busy_

_Are you ever going to answer your vid-comms?_

_Anderson_

* * *

_From: Shepard_

_To: Anderson_

_Subj: No._

_Kidding._

_I'm stopping by the Citadel tomorrow._

_Dinner? At your place? _

_Shepard_

* * *

_From: Anderson_

_To: Shepard_

_Subj: 1700._

_Leave the bounty hunter on your ship._

_Anderson_

* * *

The _Normandy_ made a brief pit-stop on Haestrom to pick up Tali. It was good to see her quarian buddy. They all trooped back on the ship with various stages of sunburn. Joker headed for the Citadel and Shepard used the time to play Skyllian Five Poker with Tali, the two engineers and Garrus in the mess. She was fairly certain that Garrus cheated. _Fucker._

Shepard was six hundred credits up when she noticed Massani watching the game from across the room. He was leaning against the wall just outside the Medbay. She waved him over but he stayed where he was. Her next hand was shit. Zaeed was a fucking jinx. She folded and took what was left of her winnings.

"Beers on you next time, Shepard?" Zaeed followed her into the elevator.

"We're headed to the Citadel. Wanna meet me at DarkStar later?" Shepard stepped out on the second deck. "Say 1900?"

Zaeed frowned at her. "Where are _you_ going?"

"Dinner with Anderson. You aren't invited." Shepard paused to check her messages at her terminal. She did her best to ignore the curious glances from Chambers. She glanced down at the first message in her inbox. "Shit."

"Shepard?"

Shepard glanced back at Zaeed. "Nothing, just a request from Admiral Hackett on Arcturus."

"Request for what?" He trailed behind the Commander while she walked towards the bridge to watch Joker dock on the Citadel.

"It's not important." Shepard didn't want to talk about it.

"Then why are you suddenly so pale?" Massani touched a finger to her cheek.

"I'm fine, Zaeed. I'm fine." She brushed his hand aside. She tried to smile through the obvious lie.

She wasn't sleeping well. But he didn't need to know that. Dinner with Anderson was going to be like walking through a minefield. It would be a miracle if Anderson didn't see right through her _happy face._ Neither of the men needed to know that Hackett wanted her to visit Alchera…to see the wreckage of her first love, the original _Normandy_. He wanted her to find the tags from all the lost crew. _Fuck._

The bounty hunter followed her off the ship and all the way to Flux. Shepard chose to ignore him. She needed a few drinks in her before dinner. With liquid courage taken care of, she headed over to nearest skycar terminal to get a ride to Tiberius Towers. Zaeed stood next to her with his arms crossed. He wasn't amused.

"What?" She paused before getting into the vehicle.

"What errand does the Admiral want you to run?" His hand wrapped around her wrist to keep her from leaving.

"I'll meet you at the bar later." She pulled away and left in the skycar before he could ask any more _goddamn_ questions.

The meal with Anderson went fine until they were talking over coffee. He asked about the Shadow Broker base and Dax. And she just couldn't do it. She couldn't pretend that it was all ok. It was difficult to keep up the lies for two hours.

"I don't want to talk about it." She pushed away from the table.

"Asa?" Anderson watched her with concern in his eyes.

Shepard moved to his piano. She ran her hands over the keys aimlessly. Anderson just waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts.

"I'm hanging on by a thread." She finally spun around on the piano bench to face him. "A thin thread at that, but Dax is dead. And I'm glad that I bashed his fucking head in."

"But?" Anderson moved away from the table to take a seat next to her on the bench.

"The nightmares continue almost every damn time that I close my eyes. I keep my guns locked in the armory instead of in my quarters." Shepard stared down at her hands. "How do I…"

"Listen, sweetheart." Anderson wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "One step at a time is how you survive. The nightmares will fade, I promise."

"You've been saying that since that night we met. It hasn't happened yet," she shrugged.

"You just remember your promise." Anderson's hand tightened on her shoulder. "I don't want to find you…"

Shepard stood abruptly and headed for the door. "I can't…"

"Shepard?" Anderson's voice called after her but she stormed away as quickly as her legs would carry her.

The elevator doors closed before Anderson could catch up with her. She leaned forward until her head rested against the doors. Dinner was probably not her best idea. The alcohol beforehand hadn't helped either. She couldn't meet up with Zaeed now. He would know instantly that something was wrong. Instead, she headed straight for the _Normandy_.

She told Joker to have the crew report back to the ship. They were heading for Alchera immediately. Shepard carefully avoided Massani until they were in the Omega Nebula. He'd want to go with her. She just wasn't ready to deal with him.

* * *

Zaeed searched the entire fucking ship for Shepard. He hadn't seen her since the left the Citadel. There was something about the message from the Admiral that had bothered the Commander. He harassed Joker until the pilot admitted that Shepard was visiting the site of the originally _Normandy._ He headed down to the shuttle bay so he could wait for her return.

It was several hours before the shuttle flew in and landed. Shepard stepped out of the Kodiak covered in a fine white dust. She was carrying what looked like a partly destroyed helmet. He started towards her but she didn't even seem to see him standing there.

He trailed her into the elevator. Her gaze focused on the helmet in her hands. It looked like an old N7 helmet. Her fingers pressed the button for the first deck which surprised him. The past few days, she'd been storing her weapons on the armory. She was taking her pistol and rifle up to her quarters.

"Shepard?" He tried to get her attention.

She stepped out of the elevator and into her quarters. The helmet was placed gentle on her desk. She pulled a handful of dogtags from inside the helmet and set them next to it. She removed her armor slowly piece by piece, tossing it across the room into the corner. The pistol and rifle ended up next to the tags. Her hand rested on top of the smaller weapon. Her fingers traced the edge of it.

"Little Lamb?"

"It's my helmet." She moved her hand from the gun to the helmet. "The helmet that I was wearing when the ship was destroyed, look at the damage."

He wasn't sure what to say so he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Shepard stiffened in his arms at first, but as she looked down at the helmet, she wilted back against him. He found that he was the only thing keeping her on her feet.

"I'm fine." She took a deep breath and tried to move out of his hold.

"I'm beginning to think that you don't know what that means." He turned her in his arms so that they were face to face.

Shepard concealed her face against his shirt. He could feel the tremors in her body though. The last few days had taken a serious toll on her. She finally looked up at him. "Stay?"

"Stay?" He chuckled while he tightened his grasp on her. "You gonna kick me out? Daft woman."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

The Illusive Man wanted them to hit the disable Collector vessel immediately. Miranda agreed with that decision quite vocally. Shepard had reached the limit of her tolerance of people telling her how to fight her battles. She decided that now was the perfect time to visit the refinery on Zorya. It was also very satisfying to irritate the genetically perfect Lawson.

Since they'd be fighting mercs, Shepard decided to bring Garrus along for the ride. Archangel was very skilled at killing the bastards. She knew that Zaeed would take this mission very seriously and personally. He wanted Vido dead.

Blowing up the front gate however, was not something that she expected. _What the hell was he thinking?_ _Damn it._ Shepard stormed up to him and slammed her fist into his face. Garrus looked on with concern, his gun at the ready.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Shepard slammed her hands into his chest, shoving Massani back a few steps. "How the hell is blowing up innocent workers going to help?"

"You really want to do this, Little Lamb?" Zaeed rubbed his hand along his jaw.

"Shepard." Garrus placed a talon on her arm. "We don't have time for this."

She nodded sharply. "Let's go, we've got a fucking refinery to save."

Zaeed's hand seized her wrist. "Not so bloody fast, Shepard. We're going after Vido."

"You want to leave those people to burn to death." She glared down at his hand. "Hell no, you don't get to put your shit before the lives of other people."

"I'm not letting that goddamn bastard get away." He tightened his hold on her arm. "We're going after Vido."

"Spirits," Garrus exclaimed after another explosion rocked the refinery. "We're running out of time here."

Shepard yanked away from Massani. "I'm going to try to save lives. It's what I do. I know what it's like to suffocate to death. I won't let them burn to death and I won't let them choke on the fumes until they die either. You two can do whatever the fuck you want."

Garrus exchanged a glance with Massani. They both ended up racing after Shepard. The workers were rescued just in time. Unfortunately, it gave Vido the time he needed to escape. Zaeed unloaded his pistol at the escaping mercenary's plane to no avail. He swung the weapon around into Shepard's face.

A massive explosion knocked them apart. Shepard got back to her feet to find Zaeed trapped underneath a large metal beam. She walked over to squat next to him.

"Son-of-bitch." Zaeed tried to get out from under the beam.

"Are you ok?"

"What the hell do you care?" Zaeed glared up at her. "Help me up, goddamn it."

"In a minute." Shepard barely resisted the urge to slam her pistol into his stubborn head. "And what do you mean, 'what the hell do you care?' Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Commander?" Garrus seemed conflicted on how to help but she just ignored him.

"How much do you want me to sacrifice for you, Massani? Hmm? Is it not enough that Dax all but killed me to get information about you? Information that I didn't give to him. Should I let you destroy my beliefs as well? Am I supposed to turn into a different person so that you can get your fucking revenge?" She gestured angrily at the destruction around them.

"Shepard," Zaeed started to speak.

"_No!_ " She was screaming at him at this point. "No. _Enough_. You almost blew all of us up back there. All those people would have died so that you could get one goddamn man. If you can't respect my command, respect that I care about saving lives, and then get the fuck off my ship and out of my life. "

"We're not on the…ship." Garrus tried to defuse the situation.

"Not. The. Goddamn. Point." Shepard glared back at the turian before turning to Zaeed. "You want me to stop letting the past have control over me. Maybe you should fucking try it for once."

"You might have a bloody point." Zaeed shoved at the beam again.

Shepard finally stood and helped lift it off his leg. By the time that Zaeed got to his feet, Shepard was already on the shuttle pointedly ignoring _everyone_. She had no intention of dealing with Massani until she'd calmed down. Garrus wisely avoided getting involved.

"Little Lamb?" Zaeed tried to stop her before she stepped out of the shuttle back on the ship.

Shepard shoved him away. "Whatever the hell it is that you have to say, I'm not interested. Joker set a course for wherever the hell that ship is that the Illusive Man wanted us to take care of."

With the _Normandy_ now headed for the disabled collector vessel, she went to the one place that Zaeed wouldn't go, to hang out with Thane. The assassin was completely fascinating. He told her about previous assignments and about the first time that he met his wife. It was Garrus and Thane that joined her on the dead ship. She still wasn't ready to deal with Massani.

_Fucking Illusive Man._

As she ran down the last hill through a thong of husks, Shepard pondered all the ways that she could screw Cerberus over for this shit. It wasn't a fucking surprise really that the mission had been a trap. _Fuckers._ She stormed into her cabin to find Zaeed on the couch waiting for her.

"Get out." Shepard ripped her helmet off her head and beamed it at him.

"No." He caught it easily and set it on the couch. "We need to talk."

"Fuck off." Shepard yanked off her gauntlets one by one, tossing them on the bed.

"Little Lamb," his voice dropped down to the deep growl that always made her feel…things.

"Stop that." She wasn't in the mood to be charmed out of her justifiable anger at the obstinate bastard.

He stepped around the coffee table and began helping her unbuckle her chest plate. "Stop what, Shepard?"

"You know what." She tried to push his hands way, but he ignored her and kept going until she was standing in just the tank-top and fatigue pants that she wore under the armor. "I'm pissed off at you, asshole."

"Are you, Little Lamb?" His fingers slid under the hem of her tank-top to brush her lower abdomen. "Are you _angry_ with me?"

"You are a goddamn bastard." Her voice came out less angry and more breathless than she intended. "And you were…stop doing that. You were wrong."

"Was I?" His fingers slid around to dip into the back of her fatigues.

"Zaeed." She found it very hard to focus with his hands moving around to unbutton her pants. "I thought we needed to talk."

"What the _hell_ do you think I'm doing?" He smirked down at her while his fingers eased into the front of her pants. "I'm just letting my fingers do the talking, Little Lamb."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:**

**I've always wondered what Anderson thought about Hackett sending Shepard on the Aratoht mission. **

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

Zaeed woke the next morning to find Shepard gone. Not just from the bed, she wasn't on the bloody ship. All Joker could tell him was that a message from Arcturus had come in again; Shepard hopped on the shuttle which dropped her in the Bahak system.

_Batarian space._

_Goddamn batarian space._

It occurred to him a few hours later that EDI could probably catch the feed from her comm on her helmet. He headed down to the bridge and Joker and he listened in as Shepard ripped someone named Kenson a new one. And then things went…weird. She seemed to be fighting wave after wave of enemy forces on her own. And then there was a prolonged silence. The link disconnected and EDI couldn't get it back.

_Shit._

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: What the fuck is going on?_

_Did you send her on this bloody suicide mission alone?_

_Massani_

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: re: mission_

_What are you talking about?_

_D. Anderson_

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: re: mission_

_She received a message from Arcturus earlier. _

_Then she fucking disappeared somewhere in the Bahak system, by her goddamn self._

_We heard her over the comm in a fire-fight but then for almost an entire day, we haven't heard a damn thing._

_Does the name 'Kenson' mean anything to you?_

_Massani_

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: re: Kenson_

_She's a scientist from the University of Arcturus, I think._

_I'll look into it._

_D. Anderson_

* * *

It was at least another day before the _Normandy _received an emergency hail over the comm from the was pacing by the airlock when Shepard rushed by him. She yelled for Joker to get the hell through the relay. She headed over to the galaxy map and stared for a long moment. The Bahak system flashed then disappeared from the map.

"Damn." Shepard pushed away from the rails. She made it one step before collapsing in a heap on the floor.

"Shit." Zaeed rushed forward to lift her up and carry her into the elevator. He used his elbow to hit the third deck button. "Stay with me, Little Lamb."

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: Safe._

_She's back, unconscious in the Med Bay, but on the Normandy._

_And Admiral Hackett just boarded the ship._

_I'd wager he's the bastard that sent her to Aratoht._

_Massani_

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: Hackett_

_Damn it._

_Tell her to contact me when she's alert._

_Thanks for keeping me updated._

_D. Anderson_

* * *

Zaeed stepped back into the Sick Bay once Hackett was off the fucking ship. Shepard was heading towards the exit. He followed her all the way to the elevator and up to her cabin. She told Joker to head for the Citadel. She didn't even seem to realize that he was still behind her.

"You ok, Little Lamb?" He watched her limp over to the couch and sink slowly down on it.

"I just…" She ran a hand over her eyes. "I just destroyed an entire system. That is _not_ going to look good on my list of career highlights."

"I'm sure Admiral…"

"Commander, I have an incoming vid-comm hail from Councilor Anderson on the Citadel." EDI interrupted him mid-sentence.

"Think I can ignore him?" Shepard groaned in annoyance as Zaeed helped her to her feet. "Didn't think so. Patch him through EDI."

Zaeed leaned against the corner of Shepard's desk just in case she had trouble standing. Anderson was already up on the comm before she limped over to the terminal.

"Is this report accurate?" Anderson didn't bother with hellos.

"Which report?"

"The Bahak System is gone. And your name is at the top of the list for those responsible." Anderson appeared to notice that she was injured. "Were you hurt?"

"Why don't you go bother fucking Hackett? It's his fault." Shepard disconnected the comm.

"Bloody Alliance bastards." Zaeed stepped closer to wrap an arm around her wiast.

Shepard made her way over to the bed with his help. She eased down on it. She was already snoring before her head hit the damn pillow. He took a seat on the couch to watch her sleep.

"I have _fish._" Shepard woke eight hours later to sit up and stare at her aquarium. "When did I get fish again?"

"You've been missing for over two bloody days and all you can say is, '_I have fish_'?" Zaeed sat on the edge of the bed next to her.

"But look…" She pointed at the fish. "Where the hell did they come from?"

Zaeed sighed in aggravation. "Fine. I bloody bought the goddamn things for you. You kept looking so sadly at the empty tank."

Shepard stared at him for a moment. "You, Zaeed _goddamn_ Massani, bought pretty fish to replace the dead ones. You bought…there's…no one is ever going to believe me."

This time he silenced her with a bruising kiss.

_Fucking fish._


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**

**Fair warning, dark chapter ahead. I'm going to try to lighten things up after this chapter. But definite triggers abound.**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

"I'm not wearing that." Shepard glanced first at Kasumi and then at the offensive dress that she was holding up.

"C'mon Shep. It'll be fun." Kasumi waved the garment in front of her.

"We need to work on your definition of the word fun." Shepard scrunched her nose up in disgust. "I don't _do_ dresses."

Kasumi sighed in frustration then shoved the dress in Zaeed's hands. "You talk to her. I'll be at the shuttle."

Shepard watched the woman leave. She gave Zaeed a warning glance when he stepped over to her with the dress. "No."

"It's just a little dress. A dress, a party and a little grand larceny, that's my kind of party." He tossed the dress on the bed. "And I'll be here to help you get out of it later."

He _was _helping her later; the help involved picking pieces of crate out of her hair. She'd limped up to her quarters, stripped out off most of her armor and then collapsed face first on her bed. It took him a good thirty minutes to get all the tiny splinters out of her short hair.

"_Not_ my kind of party." Shepard groaned into the pillow.

"How the hell did you get crate parts in your hair, Little Lamb?" Zaeed stretched out on the bed next to her when he finished. He ran his fingers lightly along her spine.

"Rockets." She sank further into the soft pillow. "Lots of fucking rockets."

His hand stilled on her back. "Were you punched at some point?"

"No…maybe." Shepard rolled on to her side to face him, and then pulled up a blanket to cover her body.

"Then why does it look like you've been in a bloody boxing match?" Zaeed uncovered her to get a better look at the bruising along her sides.

"I need a shower." Shepard barely moved an inch before his arms wrapped tightly around her.

"Little Lamb?" He turned her over to get a better look at the bruises. "Where did you get these?"

"I was blown through a fucking crate." She struggled to get out of his grasp.

"That's doesn't look like a crate shaped bruise. It looks like a goddamn fist." Zaeed released her to keep from hurting her further. She bolted for the bathroom. He frowned at the closed-door and then pulled up his omni-tool. He needed some goddamn answers.

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: Shepard_

_Did you ever find her with bruises on her body?_

_Massani_

.

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: re: Shepard_

_Yes. _

_She went through a phase during darker moments after Akuze when she stopped hitting walls and hit herself instead._

_Where is the Normandy?_

_See if you can get her to head for the Citadel._

_Anderson_

.

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: re: Shepard_

_How do I help her?_

_Massani_

.

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: re: Shepard _

_Hell if I know._

_I've been trying for ten plus years._

_Just be there for her, Massani._

_Anderson_

* * *

An hour later, Zaeed grew tired of waiting for Shepard. He'd already talked Joker into heading for the Citadel. He found it very _easy_ to convince the pilot into what he wanted. Threats always tended to work well. He also convinced EDI to open the shower door.

_Goddamn it._

The Commander sat on the floor with water pouring down her face. He turned the shower off first, and then crouched down beside her. Her hand vigorously brushed the water from her face. Her gaze however remained focused pointedly on the floor. He sighed before reaching out to lift her chin up so she was forced to meet his gaze.

"Little Lamb?" Zaeed held her firmly. "Why are you _hurting _yourself?"

"I don't know." She tried to pull away. "Let me go."

"Not a chance." He moved his hand from her chin to her arms.

"It helps."

"Maybe we can find something that will help in less painful manner?" He reached back with his other hand to grab a towel and wrap it around her. She was starting to shiver.

"Ok?" She looked skeptical at best.

He lifted her up and carried her back to the bed. She let him dry her off and help her into dry clothes. He didn't speak again until they were back under the covers with Shepard curled up tightly in his embrace.

"You're fine on missions. You break down in the quiet moments when you're alone." Zaeed formed an idea while he was thinking out loud.

"What's your point, Massani?"

"I'm moving into your quarters." He ignored the huff of irritation that came from the woman in his arms.

"With purely altruistic intentions of course?" Shepard tried to push away from him but he wasn't budging.

"There's nothing fucking pure about me, Little Lamb." He chuckled.

"Commander? We've reached the Citadel." Joker informed her. "I've got a message from Councilor Anderson requesting that you meet him at Tiberius Towers."

"Great." Shepard closed her eyes for a moment. "How the hell…Zaeed."

"Yes?"

She placed her hands on either side of his face. His scruffy shadow of a beard teased the palms of her hand. She leaned in to kiss him. "You are an interfering bastard. And you can help me deal with Anderson."

He grabbed her hand when she started off the bed. She glanced back at him. "Little Lamb?"

She glanced down at the calloused hand that dwarfed her own. "Maybe I should've asked for help. Commander Shepard isn't supposed to need help. You're becoming a critical part of my life, Massani. It's not so easy to admit that I might _need_ someone…_you._"

He shifted over until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He pulled her back over between his legs. "I should've hunted you down all those years ago. If you fucking think that I'm not going to hold tightly to you now that I have you? You've got another goddamn thing coming, Little Lamb."

"Let's go see Anderson. Later though, Massani, we're going to have a long talk about things that you shouldn't message to him." Shepard gave him a quick kiss then ducked out of his arms.

Anderson was pacing in his apartment when the two showed up. Shepard didn't know exactly what Zaeed had talked to him about. But the way that the councilor dragged her into his arms and hugged her caused her to glare in annoyance at the merc.

"Are you two becoming pen-pals or something?" Shepard raised an eyebrow when Anderson finally released her.

"We share a mutual…concern." The look in Zaeed's eyes didn't leave much room for argument.

"Fuck me." She muttered. She liked it better when the two men couldn't stand each other. She was doomed.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

Shepard stood looking over reports at her terminal on the CIC. They'd picked up the Reaper IFF and taken care of geth heretics. They had one last pick up to make before they headed through the Omega-4 Relay. She needed to talk to Anderson about it. She just didn't know how to say…what she needed to say.

_Dear Anderson, I might die. Sorry. _

She just didn't see that going over very well.

The universe was a son-of-a-bitch. She received the message from EDI that the Collectors had invader her ship and taken the entire crew with the exception of Joker. _Goddamn motherfuckers._ She stormed off the shuttle and immediately told Joker to head for the Omega Nebula. She wasn't going to lose anyone else to these bastards.

With everything taken care off, it was going to take several hours for them to be ready so Shepard decided to head up to her quarters to contact Anderson. Some things needed to be said at least vid-comm to vid-comm. She wasn't all that surprised to find Zaeed relaxing on her couch with a beer in his hand.

She stepped in front of her comm and sent a request to the Councilor. She waited patiently for him to accept the hail.

"Shepard?"

She'd been preparing a little speech in her head and it all disappeared. "I'm going…in a few hours, the Omega-4 Relay is going to light up."

"How do you know that? Anderson was at full attention.

"Because the _Normandy_ will be going through the relay in a few hours," Shepard answered. "The Collectors attacked the ship again…they took everyone but Joker. I have to get them back. We have to stop the Collectors."

"That's a one way trip, Shepard. No vessel has made it back."

"There's always a first time," she shrugged. "Look, I just wanted to say…good bye. I didn't get to say it the last time."

"You come back, Commander. That's a goddamn order." Anderson looked like he wanted to add more.

"Yes, sir." She grinned at him then disconnected the comm.

The minute he disappeared from the screen, she dropped down to her knees. Her hand clutched the desk. She rested her head against the edge of the terminal. She was there for not even a minute before she felt strong arms lift her up off the floor. Zaeed carried her over to the couch. He sat down with her tightly in his lap.

"We're going to get them back, Little Lamb." He rubbed a hand long her arm.

"I need to focus." She tried to stand but he held her tightly in his lap.

"We've got hours, Little Lamb." He placed a kiss on the back of her neck. "There are better ways to fill them."

Three hours later, Shepard paced in the central chamber of the collector base trying to think clearly. She needed to get the crew that they had rescued back to the _Normandy_. If nothing else, at least if they were all on the ship, if things went badly, Joker could get them all out.

"Zaeed." She stopped pacing and glanced over at Massani. "Escort them back to the Citadel. Garrus, you lead the second team and I'll take Mordin and Thane with me along with Samara."

"Little Lamb?" Zaeed grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. "I can't keep you safe if I'm not with you."

"Please?" She didn't want him to realize that the only way she could keep him safe was if he _was_ on the _Normandy_. "They need to get to safety."

He was pissed but he couldn't say no. He stormed off with the crew without saying a word. Shepard took a deep breath and forced herself to focus. She had a base to destroy. It took another two hours to fight their way through the goddamn ship. She knew the Illusive Man would try to fuck her one last time. There was no way in hell she was letting that goddamn monstrosity survive.

They set the charges and then had to defeat the fucking human reaper. She hadn't intended for the platform to collapse out from under them. By the time that they call got out from under the debris, they had to make a run for it. With collector swarms at their heels, they raced up towards the waiting _Normandy_.

Thane made the leap first, followed by Mordin. The rest of the squad was already on the ship. Shepard made the leap and came up short. Her hand gripped the edge of the ship. She just couldn't pull herself up. She started to slip when a strong hand wrapped around her wrist. She glanced up into Zaeed's eyes while he lifted her on the ship. He kept his arm tightly around her waist as they stepped on the bridge.

"Get us the hell out of here, Joker." Shepard's voice was hoarse. "Set a course for the Citadel once we're clear of the Omega-4 Relay. We need to get to dry-dock."

"C'mon, the doc needs to check you out. " Zaeed guided her towards the elevator after she told the Illusive Man to fuck off. He started to hit the third deck button but she hit the first one instead. "Shepard?"

"Anderson." She got the one word out while limping towards her terminal.

He grumbled under his breath, but kept his arm around her waist to keep her on her feet. "You're going to be the goddamn death of me, Little Lamb."

"Shepard?" Anderson answered her hail within seconds.

"We did it." Shepard used all her strength to put on a _happy_ face for Anderson. "We're heading to the Citadel. I'll see you once I get the repairs set up for the ship."

"Are you ok?" Anderson frowned.

"I'm fine. I'm…fine. I'll talk to you later." She terminated the comm. She started towards the couch but Zaeed re-directed her towards the door.

"The doc needs to make sure you aren't injured." He wouldn't take no for an answer.

Chakwas didn't find anything seriously wrong with her. Just ordered her to rest, so Zaeed helped her back up to her quarters. She sank down on the couch again. He sat on the coffee table in front of her.

"Why the hell did you send me back to the goddamn ship?" He lifted her chin up so she was looking him in the eyes.

"It was a command decision, Zaeed. I needed someone to make sure that the crew made it safely back through the Collector base to the ship." She closed her eyes to avoid him.

"Little Lamb?" He tapped a finger on her chin.

She dropped her head into her hands. "I just wanted you safe."

He pulled her up into his arms. "Stupid bloody…"

She silenced him with her lips. "I'm too exhausted to be yelled at. The next time that we're racing through a base filled with giant bugs, I promise not to send you back to the ship."

With that settled, Shepard climbed out of his lap and limped over to the bed. She collapsed on the bed and was asleep within seconds. She woke up to screams several hours later and someone shaking her. It took several minutes for her head to clear. She appeared to be screaming and Zaeed was trying to wake her up.

He eased her back down on the bed and sheltered her under the blanket in his arms. "It's ok, Little Lamb. I'll keep you safe."

"You know what happens after the Normandy is repaired right?" She ran her fingers over the scars on his chest.

He gave her a questioning glance.

"The Alliance will take me to jail. You can't come with me to Earth, Zaeed. They'll lock you up. And we can't _both_ be in jail." She'd been thinking about it ever since Hackett had warned her about Earth calling.

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"Anderson will take care of me. You know I'm right." She was starting to drift off to sleep again. "I'll be fine."

"That is not reassuring, Little Lamb." He started to argue with her but she was already asleep in his arms. He pulled her closer and whispered against her hair, "you better stay fine. I love you."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

"She's been like this for days." Vega stepped aside so Admiral Anderson could get a better look.

It took a moment for him to figure out what the Lieutenant was so worried about. And then he caught sight of Shepard. She had moved the bed and then squeezed between the head of the bed and the wall. She sat with her back in the corner with her legs pulled up against her chest. Her arms wrapped around her knees and her head leaned back against the wall.

_Asa._

Five months in the detention center were starting to take its toll on her. He'd known that it would. He walked into the room and crouched down in front of her.

"Asa?" He reached out to touch her arm but she pulled away. He stood and headed back over Vega.

"We can't just leave her like that, Sir." Vega looked truly concerned.

"Damn it." Anderson briefly considered his options. He needed a _very_ quick way to help her. "Keep an eye on her, Lieutenant. I have an idea."

"Yes, Sir." Vega took up his post just inside the door.

"Good man." Anderson pulled up his omni-tool and prayed that the damn bounty hunter checked his messages frequently.

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: Shepard_

_I don't know if you're checking this account._

_But she needs you._

_Anderson_

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: re: Shepard_

_I'll be in Vancouver in ten hours._

_Keep me updated._

_Massani_

* * *

Ten hours turned out to be five, Anderson didn't want to know how the man managed the jump to Sol that quickly. He felt relieved that he was there and not in his normal armor. Massani wore jeans and a black-shirt. He had no visible weapons but Anderson knew the man was always armed.

"I thought you were supposed to take care of her." Zaeed didn't mince words.

"I'm doing my best." Anderson led him into the Alliance building towards the brig.

"It's not fucking enough." Zaeed muttered when he caught sight of Shepard.

"No, it isn't." Anderson agreed. "I'll leave you two alone."

Vega followed the Admiral out of the room.

"Little Lamb?" Zaeed crouched next to the bed. When he didn't receive a response, he sat on the floor next to her. He placed his hand over hers. "That can't be all that comfortable. Why don't you let me pull you out?"

She leaned her head forward to look him in the eyes. "So what are you in for?"

He chuckled at her, and then slowly lifted her out from between the bed and wall. He took a seat on her bed and she immediately curled up in his lap with her arms wrapped around his waist.

"I have a present for you." Zaeed held her tightly with one arm and dangled an omni-tool from his other hand in front of her. "Now you can chat with me."

There was a sound at the door and Shepard snatched the omni-tool from his hand and shoved it into her pocket. Anderson stepped inside the room a moment later. He left Vega outside and came over to stand in front of them.

"He just got here." Shepard's hands gripped Massani's shirt tightly.

"I know." Anderson pulled up a chair next to the bed and took a seat. "I called in a few favors, so do Hackett. They're letting you out of the brig for a couple of days. You can borrow the Admiral's apartment. It's across the compound near the bay. It's the least he can do."

It took a few hours, but Shepard found herself alone with Zaeed at Admiral Hackett's apartment. It had a great view of the Vancouver Bay. She stood on the balcony looking over the water. There were cruisers and dreadnoughts flying in and out at the nearby shipyard.

Zaeed stepped up to wrap his arms around her from behind. "So why were you hiding? Hmm?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," she shrugged. Shepard breathed in the fresh air. She lifted her hands up to rest on his arms. "Besides, don't you know? Monsters always hide under the bed."

"Ok first, you weren't under the bloody bed. And second, you aren't a monster. You're a goddamn hero." Zaeed kissed the back of her head.

"The Committee doesn't agree with that assessment." She blew out the breath that she'd been holding with a sigh.

"Bastards."

"Yes, but bastards whose opinions matter." Shepard watched another ship landing.

"To whom?" He tilted his head to rest his chin on top of her shoulder.

"My career?" Shepard felt completely deflated once again.

The two days went by incredibly fast. Shepard found herself once again in the goddamn detention center. Her hand wrapped around the omni-tool in her pocket. It was a couple of days before she used it though. They were long days where the Committee grilled her over every aspect of the mission on Aratoht. That night, she woke up in a cold sweat. _Goddamn nightmares_.

* * *

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Vancouver_

_To: Z. Massani_

_From: A. Shepard_

_03:01 S: Zaeed?_

_03:11 Z: What's got you up so late?_

_03:19 Z: Talk to me, please?_

_03:21 S: Just having a bad day._

_03:23 Z: I've got all the time in the world. Tell me about it._

_03:24 S: It's nothing._

_03:25 Z: It sounds like something._

_03:26 S: Bad dreams._

_03:27 Z: Ahh._

_03:28 S: I…_

_03:34 Z: You?_

_03:48 Z: Talk to me, Little Lamb. _

_03:49 S: I've gotta go._

_03:49 User has disconnected._

* * *

"Damn it." Zaeed slammed his fists into the terminal.

He couldn't risk trying to contact Shepard, if someone heard her omni-tool beep; they'd take the damn thing from her. He knew something was wrong. He waited for an hour to see if she'd message him again and finally couldn't wait any longer.

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: Shepard._

_Don't ask me how I know, but you need to go check in on her._

_Something is wrong. _

_Massani_

* * *

He received confirmation that the message had been read by Anderson several minutes later. He could only hope that she was ok. An hour or two later, he received a reply from the Admiral.

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: re: Shepard_

_Thanks for the warning. _

_I've moved her into my apartment for now. _

_She can tell you what happened herself at some point._

_It was house arrest with me or a padded cell. _

_Anderson_

* * *

_From: Zaeed Massani_

_To: David Anderson_

_Subj: re: Shepard_

_You let them put her in a padded cell and I will burn the entire Alliance compound to the ground._

_Massani_

* * *

_From: David Anderson_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: re: Shepard._

_Duly noted._

_Anderson_

* * *

He was stepping back from his terminal when a vid-comm hail came in. He answered it immediately and felt a sudden rush of relief.

"Little Lamb." He smiled at her.

She looked like she was lying back on a couch or bed with her omni-tool held up in front of her face. "I'm ok."

"What happened?" He ignored her patented response.

"I…" Shepard stopped speaking for a moment. "They tried to put me in the psych ward."

"Why?" Zaeed asked.

"You'll be pissed." She spoke after a long silence.

"Tell me anyway." He found himself imagining the worst.

"Fine."

"Little Lamb?" He prompted her after ten minutes had passed.

"It's important to remember that I was _not_ trying to kill myself." She ran a hand through her hair. She looked nervous. "I've been working on strengthening my biotic throws with Lieutenant Vega. But he wasn't up at 0400. So I…tried it on myself. It ended badly."

"How badly?"

"I went through the wall." She shrugged and then winced. "There's a footnote in my classified files that indicates I once tried to commit suicide with my biotics. They assumed that was what I was trying to do. What if they try to Cat-6 me?"

"I already told Anderson. If they try to put you in a padded cell, I'll burn the goddamn compound to the ground to get you out of there." Zaeed promised before he asked the question that he dreaded the answer to. "Were you trying to kill yourself?

She was silent for so long that he thought she wasn't going to answer. "No, no I wasn't. I…I promised you that I would talk to you first if I ever felt that way again."

"Do you want me to come and get you?" He'd been tempted to break her out from the minute that she'd turned herself in.

"Yes." She laughed for a while. "But it wouldn't do a damn bit of good. They'll get tired of lecturing me eventually. And then the reapers will land, and they'll have bigger problems than me."

"I've got a lead on Vido. I'm going to be unreachable for a week or so. Promise me that you'll take it easy." Zaeed didn't like the idea but he couldn't let Santiago get away from him yet again.

"Fine."

"Promise."

"I promise," she finally nodded. ""I better go, Anderson's getting cranky."

Two weeks later, he was sitting at a bar on Illium waiting impatiently for his contact when a breaking news report interrupted whatever shit music had been playing.

"….reports are coming in from various cities on Earth, the Alliance is in chaos. An unknown enemy is invading. The Alliance headquarters in Vancouver has been destroyed. There are reports of attacks on Palaven…"

Zaeed tuned out the rest of the report. _Goddamn it. _ He forgot about Vido and about his informant. He needed to find out if she made it off Earth. He tried sending a vid request but it wouldn't connect. The comms must have gone down after the attack. He tried Anderson…nothing.

_Shit._

He headed out to find transport to the Citadel. If she had made it off Earth, chances are that she'd head for the council first. He kept trying to reach her every few minutes without success. He should've stayed closer to Vancouver. He should've broken her out of the fucking brig. He gave up on messaging her after a while.

The cruiser that he was on docked at Bay D24 on the Citadel several hours later; they'd waited what seemed like forever to dock. There was a lot of flight traffic. He guessed that a lot of military traffic was on its way out and refugees on their way in. He looked up as he exited the airlock to see a familiar ship with a new paint job.

_The Normandy_.

The ship was here but who was in command of it. He didn't see any soldiers in blue milling around the docking bay. He'd bet a bottle of scotch that she was arguing with the council. He wouldn't be caught dead hanging out around the Presidium. He was trying to decide where to wait when she came around the corner towards the _Normandy_ airlock.

Shepard stopped so suddenly that T'soni ran right into the back of her. She looked good; he noticed few new scars on her cheek. They must have happened during the invasion. Liara stepped around the Commander and with a nod to Zaeed, she stepped through the airlock.

"I thought you were hunting down Vido." She hesitated just out of his reach. "I tried to send you a message but…"

"I had something a little more important to do." He took a step towards her.

"More important than Vido?" She sounded uncertain of more than just that. "What could possibly be more critical to you than killing him?"

Zaeed reached out to grab her arm but she stepped back. He frowned at her but decided to answer her question. "You, Little Lamb, are more goddamn vital to me than killing that piss-ant. I heard that the Alliance compound on Vancouver was all but destroyed and I had to find you."

"Oh."

"That's all you have to say?" He chuckled.

This time, Shepard took a step towards him. He touched a finger to the scar that covered the length of her right cheek. He was about to say something when she wrapped her arms tightly around his waist leaned her forehead against the front of his armor.

"Anderson stayed behind." She took a deep breath and moved out of his reach again.

"He'll be fine." He got a better look at the blood on her armor. "That's a lot of blood."

Shepard looked down at herself. "Alenko got a little too close to a Cerberus…bot. He's in the hospital."

"Alenko?" Zaeed's eyes narrowed. That was not a name that he wanted to hear.

"He was…on the _Normandy_ with me. I've got command of it again." Shepard shifted from one foot to the other. "We're heading to Menae to rescue the Primarch. You want to join us?"

He hesitated and immediately knew the hesitation was a mistake. Her face went blank. She nodded sharply and stepped around him into the airlock before he could say anything or stop her.

_Damn it. _


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

Shepard woke up screaming for the third time in as many days. The nightmares had gotten worse since she left Earth. She slid off the bed and headed for the shower. Standing under the hot water, she tried to let it wash away the lingering remnants of the dream. Her hands rested against the shower wall. Before she could stop herself, she slammed the palm of her hand against the wall. It stung and her mind cleared for a moment.

_Fuck_.

She couldn't fight a war with a broken hand. She'd already tried that once. She stepped out of the shower immediately. Grabbing a towel, she wrapped it around herself and grabbed her omni-tool. She stumbled down the stairs and dropped on the couch.

* * *

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Sur'Kesh_

_To: Z. Massani_

_From: A. Shepard_

_02:04 S: I'm keeping my promise._

_02:12 Z: Which one? _

_02:13 Z: Biotics or your hand?_

_02:14 S: Hand._

_02:20 Z: Meet me on the Citadel._

_02:21 S: I can't. We have to pick up…someone on Sur'Kesh at 0800 and then I have to check out something weird going on at Grissom Academy. _

_02:22 Z: Make time, Shepard. The Normandy is fast enough to make the jump over here and back to the Pranas System in plenty of time to make your early morning deadline._

_02:24 S: Zaeed._

_02:26 Z: I'll be waiting._

_02:27 User has disconnected._

* * *

_Well. Shit._

She pulled on a pair of cargo pants and her new N7 hoodie. Wrex was just going to _love_ it when he found out that she'd made a detour to the Citadel. Zaeed was not going to be amused if she didn't make the detour.

_Pissed off Krogan versus pissed of mercenary._

It was not a bet that she'd want to take on either side. She told Joker to get them back to the Citadel. With any luck, they'd be back hovering around Sur'Kesh before Wrex even knew that they had moved. He was waiting for her on the bridge when EDI let her know that they'd docked.

_Shit._

"Going somewhere, Shepard?" Wrex blocked the exit.

"We'll make the 0800 deadline on Sur'Kesh, I promise. I just have to…" Shepard considered her options. "Look, Wrex, I'm busting my ass for everyone out here. And no one ever stops to think that I might goddamn need something once in a while. So you will stop harassing me and get out of my way? The sooner I'm done on the Citadel, the sooner that you get what you want."

Wrex started to argue but finally stopped. "You have a point. But make it quick."

She elbowed him in the side on her way off the ship. Stubborn bastards, she was surrounded by goddamn hard-headed male type creatures. She stepped out of the airlock and right into another one. Zaeed was leaning against the railing waiting for her. He picked up her left hand and then her right hand, turning them over to look for damage. He gave her a questioning look when he didn't find any.

"I stopped myself after I hit the wall the first time," she shrugged.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her over to a nearby skycab. He parked on the Presidium and guided her up to one of the apartments near the markets.

"More nightmares?" He asked once was seated on the couch in the living area with Shepard curled up in his arms.

"There was a kid on Earth. I watched him die. I keep dreaming about him. He always goes up in flames before I can reach him." Shepard felt her shoulders tense up just thinking about the damn nightmare.

"Oh, Little Lamb." Zaeed rocked her gently in his arms. "You can't save everyone."

"That doesn't make the nightmares go away." Shepard clung to him. "I think that's why I punch things. The pain makes me forget. It makes them go away. But I kept my damn promise."

"Do I help?" Zaeed asked.

Shepard lifted her hand to let her fingers trace the lines of the scars on his face. "You _always_ help."

"You have room on the _Normandy _for me?"

"Really?" She looked up at him in surprise.

"The Alliance might not be so thrilled," Zaeed chuckled.

"They can't tell me who gets to sleep in my quarters." She finally relaxed into his arms. The tension that she'd been holding start to ease away. "So why did you hesitate earlier?"

He shrugged. "I'm a stubborn bastard."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:**

***potential triggers**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

In the space of two days, Shepard lost two friends and looked down the gun of a third. She stood in front of the Memorial Wall on the crew deck and added Thane Krios and Mordin Solus to the list of casualties. Alenko, however, she sent packing to the crucible. He _was_ _not_ welcome on the _Normandy_.

_Cerberus._

'_Gun drawn on a Councilor…kinda looks bad.'_

_Fucking bastard._

'_Shame. Would have liked to run tests on the seashells.' _

_Goddamn seashells._

'_Guide this one, kalahira.'_

_Fucking Cerberus._

Mordin would never get to run tests on the seashells. She'd have to pick up a few in his memory at some point. The more Shepard thought about the deaths of the last two days, the angrier that she got and then she fucking snapped. She destroyed her ship models with a single biotic pulse. She threw one after the other at the wall and desk until the damn thing started to buckle. She kept going until her head started to pound and a stream of blood poured from her nose.

"_Shepard!_" Zaeed stood in the doorway to her cabin. She glanced over at him before sinking down to her knees.

"Not so loud." Shepard grunted in pain when he lifted her off the floor.

"What the hell did you do to your desk?" He took a quick glance at it before rushing into the elevator with Shepard in his arms. He nudged the crew deck button with his elbow.

"My biotics are getting stronger."

"Damn it, Little Lamb." Zaeed set her on one of the beds so Chakwas could make sure that she was ok. "You promised."

"Use your inside voice." She tried to glare at him but could barely manage a wince.

"I'll use whatever bloody voice that I want." He only lowered his voice when the doc shushed him.

"He has a right to be upset, Commander." Chakwas ran a few scans on Shepard's implant. "You don't appear to have done any permanent damage, but I'd recommend that you take Admiral Hackett's offer of shore-leave. I'm not clearing you for duty until you get some rest."

Shepard sighed in annoyance.

"If you don't take the goddamn rest, I'm sending a message to Anderson. Don't you think the Admiral has enough to worry about?" Zaeed threatened when she started to argue.

"You underhanded bastard." Shepard gave in to the inevitable and he helped her up to her quarters to pack a few things to take over to Anderson's apartment.

_Manipulative fuckers._

And that was how she ended up dangling from the wreckage of the sushi restaurant's fish tank. The water made getting a firm grip impossible and she crashed to the ledge below. _How the hell was this rest? _Shore-leave sucked. She had not put falling through an aquarium on her goddamn bucket list.

"Brooks, take a deep breath and shut it." Shepard pulled a fish out of her hoodie pocket. _The fuck? Seriously? _

"Yes. Commander."

"Who the hell are these guys?" Shepard peered around a vent at the market area below. She could see at least four mercs. There were six shots left in the pistol. _No room for error._

While Brooks found a shuttle for her, Shepard _scoped and dropped_ the ones that she could see. She slid down the ladder to sue her biotics on the rest. She managed to grab another clip for the pistol from one of the dead mercs. _Fuckers._ She shook her arms out. Her clothes were still wet and clinging in very annoying ways. And from the wriggling in the back of her hoodie, a fish had made its way into her shirt. She reached back and pulled the hem out. The poor little thing dropped to the ground.

_Goddamn fish._

She stepped through the last set of doors to the skycar lot and right into Zaeed. _Thank the gods._ Finally, a fucking merc who _didn't_ want to kill her.

"Go for a swim, Little Lamb?" he applied medi-gel to her injuries and handed her a fresh thermal clip. He pulled another fish from inside her shirt. "If you wanted more fish, you just had to ask."

"A little more shooting, a little less mocking." She elbowed him in the side before heading to find an exit.

An hour later, Liara was helping Shepard into the shortest damn dress that she'd ever seen. It was practically indecent. Brooks and Shepard were headed to the casino to try to figure out who the hell had been behind the attack. The _boys_ had disappeared to argue over who would escort the two women.

_Zaeed won._

Shepard grabbed the kitchen counter for support when she spotted Massani in black tie. _Goddamn. _Her heart started to race a little as she walked over to him. She brushed a stray hair from his jacket.

"Damn, Massani." She tucked her arm through the crook of his.

"I'm going to enjoy taking that dress off of you, Little Lamb."Zaeed whispered in her ear before leading her out of the apartment. Brooks trailed behind.

There was no time to follow-up on that promise when they arrived back at the apartment a few hours later. Shepard changed back into armor and met the others downstairs. The mysterious bastard behind the attack was now headed for the Citadel archives. They needed to figure out what the hell he or she wanted and stop it.

"Are you coming to the archives?" Shepard asked Zaeed while she prepped her weapons upstairs. Trust Anderson to have a weapon's table in his apartment.

"Liara asked me to check on Chakwas and Traynor on the _Normandy." _Zaeed didn't seem pleased. "I'll meet you there."

* * *

Zaeed stepped out of the elevator on the CIC. Chakwas hadn't been in the Med Bay. None of the _Normandy_ crew was on board, not even Traynor. It looked like someone was redecorating the damn place. Shepard stood by her terminal. He started towards her but got distracted by a cart sitting beside the elevator. It held her hamster, medals and ship models.

_What the fuck?_

_He read the note attached to the hamster's cage._

"Little Lamb?" He waited for her to turn around. She didn't. "Shepard?"

Shepard finally glanced over her shoulder at him. "Massani."

He watched her curiously as she stepped away from the terminal. "Are you moving?"

"No."

He noticed something on the second shelf of the cart. He reached down to grab his bag. "Am _I_ moving?"

"Yes." She gave him a calculating look that he'd never fucking seen on Shepard's face, ever. "I don't have space for criminals on my ship."

"On your ship? Or in your life, in general?"

"You aren't half as stupid as you look." She smirked at him. She motioned in the direction of the exit. "You can see yourself out, I assume."

The cruel gleam in her eyes was wrong. Instead of arguing, he stormed towards the bridge and out the airlock. He found Traynor pacing on the other side, waiving a damn tooth-brush around and muttering to herself.

_Fucking hell._

And then _Shepard_ came around the damn corner with Vakarian and T'soni trailing behind. She frowned at Traynor, then at him and then at the bag in his hand.

"Are you going somewhere?" She tapped the bag with her hand.

"You just fucking told me to leave." He reminded her.

"What?"

Shepard tossed her rifle at Garrus and then her visor. She pushed Zaeed back against the wall. Her hand wrapped around the back of his neck and she pulled him down for a kiss.

"You call me, Little Lamb. You have a shepherd's hook tattoo on your arm." She tightened her grasp on his neck and absently rubbed her thumb along the ink on his neck. "And you aren't going anywhere, goddamn it."

"Then what the bloody hell…"Zaeed dropped his bag to wrap his arms around her and crush her against him.

"She has a clone," Garrus offered helpfully.

"A clone?" He glanced down at the woman in his arms. She nodded with an annoyed look on her face. "Let's go kill the bitch."

Liara and Traynor got the hatch open with the help of the damn toothbrush, so Shepard could sneak on the ship with Garrus and Massani. They cleared the mercs out of the CIC and headed for the elevator to catch up to the fucking clone.

"My hamster!" Shepard looked distraught at the little creature on the cart.

Zaeed wrapped his arm around her shoulder to guide her into the elevator. "Focus, Little Lamb, the hamster isn't going anywhere."

"But…poor little guy."

Zaeed exchanged an amused glance with Garrus. He was not so amused a few minutes later when he lost sight of Shepard. She'd been in hand-to-hand combat with the fucking clone when they rolled out the shuttle bay door. He raced out with Garrus close behind to find both of them dangling from the edge of the ramp.

_Shit._

They wore the same goddamn N7 armor, same fucking color and everything.

"Help us out here, Shepard." Garrus spoke from behind him. "Spirits. I can't tell the difference."

_Same hair. Same armor. Same goddamn face. _

"Massani." The Shepard on the left called out to him. "You get custody of the fish that you bought if I fall."

_Smart Little Lamb._

He lunged forward when her hand started to slip. He grabbed her wrist and yanked her back on the ship. Zaeed paused with her in his arms to stomp his boot down on the clone's head, sending her flying to her death.

_Stupid fucking bitch. _

Four hours later, Zaeed couldn't find Shepard anywhere. Cortez told him that Vega and the Commander had headed out to visit a tattoo artist on the Citadel. He found her getting ink on the inside of her arm, the same damn spot where his hook tattoo was.

"Hey Zaeed." She grinned up at him and then gritted her teeth in pain.

"What are you doing?" He crossed his arms and glared in warning at the batarian tattoo artist.

"Making sure that you know who I am, just in case I have another evil twin out there somewhere," she explained. She winced when the needle hit an apparent sensitive spot.

"What are you getting?" Zaeed tried to sneak a glance at it.

"Keep him back, Vega. I want it to be a surprise." Shepard used her free hand to wave Vega over.

"Not a chance, Lola." Vega chuckled. "I've got a poker game calling my name."

"Coward," Shepard mumbled under her breath.

It was at least another hour before the tattoo was done. Zaeed grabbed her wrist and pulled her arm out a little to check out the new ink. He grinned when he caught sight of the little lamb curled up in a black and yellow gauntlet that looked remarkably similar to the one that he currently wore.

She looked up at him. "What do you think?"

He grabbed the bandage from the batarian and wrapped up her arm. "It's fucking perfect, Little Lamb."


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:**

**Slightly AU-ish versions of the Leviathan & Omega DLCs.**

***potential triggers**

**Beta: None, sadly, all errors are my own. Anyone interested in the position?**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Sur'Kesh_

_To: Z. Massani_

_From: A. Shepard_

_16:32 S: Are you there? I don't have much time._

_16:34 Z: What's going on? You were supposed to be back by now._

_16:36 S: The shuttle is stuck…we're stuck._

_16:37 S: I'm going to try to reason with Leviathan….in the ocean…in an old Titan diving mech._

_16:38 S: I'm not a fan of swimming or oceans. _

_16:39 Z: Just make sure that you fucking come back, Little Lamb._

_16:41 S: I'll be fine…I hope. Gotta go._

_16:42 User has disconnected._

* * *

Zaeed spent the next two hours pacing the length of the Shuttle Bay. The goddamn Kodiak finally arrived, Garrus and Vega rushed out with an unconscious Shepard in the Lieutenant's arms. Dried blood was caked around Shepard's nose.

_Fucking hell._

She started to wake up when the three stepped into the elevator. She shrugged in Vega's grasp until he set her back on her feet. She elbowed him out of way to hit the button for the first deck.

"I'm fine, I don't need the doc. Vega, tell Joker to head for the Citadel." She stepped out of the elevator when the doors opened.

Zaeed followed her while Vega headed down to the CIC. Massani watched Shepard strip down to just a tank-top and shorts. She stood grabbed a cloth to scrub at the blood on her face. With that taken care of, she tossed it into the sink and walked over to stand in front of her aquarium. Her gazed focused on the fish. He wasn't sure that she realized he was in the room with her.

"Little Lamb?" He ran his hands along her arms. "You're freezing."

"I'm fine." She gave him a half-hearted shrug.

"No, you aren't." He led her over to the bed, tucking her under the covers, he slid in beside her. She didn't resist when he pulled her into his arms. "Do you want to talk about it?

"No," she mumbled against his shirt. "Maybe once my head stops throbbing."

He held her while she slept for the next seven hours, when she woke up, she didn't say a word. She just checked her messages on her terminal. Zaeed became immediately suspicious when she refused to talk about one of the messages from Aria. He stepped into the bathroom for a quick shower and when he finished, she'd already left to meet with T'loak.

_Goddamn it._

* * *

Of all the things and people that Shepard expected to find while fighting through Omega, Jeff was not one of them. He dragged her into a one of the apartments off the destroyed market place when Shepard was preparing to head back to the _Normandy_.

"Did you miss me, ID? Or should I call you Commander?" Jeff held a rifle on her while he removed her weapons.

"What the hell are you doing on Omega?" Shepard needed a minute to think.

Her hands started to glow blue when a bullet went through her right palm. She dropped to her knees clutching her hand.

_Shit._

"None of that blue shit, fucking freak." He kicked her once in the head. Her visor shattered and she had to close her eyes to keep from risking injury to them. "Now, I think you need to think very carefully about what you do next, bitch."

Her hand felt like it was on fire. She hadn't seen Jeff since that night on Earth when Dax had grabbed her. He was Dax's right hand man, his younger brother. He'd been a psychopath when she'd known him back then, and clearly, time hadn't mellowed him at all.

"You're going to pay for Dax's death. " He kicked her in the head again, a little harder and without the visor to take the impact, she lost consciousness almost immediately.

* * *

_From: Aria T'loak_

_To: Zaeed Massani_

_Subj: Shepard_

_I've got control of Omega._

_But Shepard is missing._

_You might want to come find her._

_Aria_

* * *

The only person that he trusted on Omega was Garrus. Liara and EDI managed to access footage that enabled them to track down Shepard's last known location. They stormed into the apartment to find a battered and bloody Shepard on the floor.

A man that looked strangely familiar stood over her with a rifle pointed at her head. He looked up at the intruders and that was all that Zaeed needed. He emptied an entire clip into the bastard's body. He dropped to the floor half-covering the Commander. Shepard dragged herself out from under the dead body.

"Can you walk, Little Lamb?" Zaeed knelt beside her. Garrus could deal with the body on the floor. "Hell, can you stand?"

"No." Shepard whimpered when he grabbed her hand.

He bit back a curse when he saw the bullet hole in the palm of her hand. _Fuck._ As gently as he could manage, he lifted her into his arms and rushed back to the _Normandy_. While Chakwas tried to stabilize her injuries, Zaeed sent a quick message to Anderson to let him know that the Commander was being taken to Huerta Memorial.

* * *

_Hospitals._

_Goddamn hospitals._

Her eyes opened to find Massani asleep in a chair next to her bed. His arm outstretched towards her. She tentatively flexed her hand that had been shot. _Damn._ She would _not_ be shooting anything for at least a week or two. With her good hand, she reached out to squeeze Zaeed's.

"Zaeed?"

He sat up in the chair, instantly awake. He turned concerned eyes towards her. "How are you feeling, Little Lamb?"

"I'm fine." She wanted out of Huerta. "How long do I have to stay in the damn hospital?"

"Another day or two, then I'm taking you to Anderson's apartment for at least a week of rest." He placed a finger on her lips before she could argue. "You either take the rest to heal your wounds, or Hackett's giving command of the _Normandy_ to someone else."

"Bastard."


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:**

**Slightly AU-ish .**

***potential triggers**

**Beta: None**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

The throbbing pain in her hand woke her up. The pain meds had definitely worn off at some point in the night. She opened her eyes and started to call for a doctor when she realized that she wasn't in a hospital bed. She got a better look around and realized that she was in one of the upstairs bedrooms in her apartment.

_Weird._

"I have your pain meds." Zaeed stood in the door frame with a glass of water in one hand and what looked like a couple of pills in the other.

"Nurse Massani?" She grinned when he handed the pills to her.

He ignored her comment and took the empty glass from her. He sat on the bed beside her. "You have a visitor."

"A visitor?" Shepard looked around at the empty room. "Who is it? My hamster? A ghost? Vakarian?"

"Where do I rate on your list?" A familiar voice pulled her attention towards the door.

"At the fucking top. How in the hell…" Shepard stared in shock when Anderson stepped into the room.

"The _Normandy _is impressively adept at sneaking in under reaper radar." Anderson waved Massani out-of-the-way to sit beside her. "I don't have long. I've got to get back to Earth."

She frowned down at the hand that reached out to hold her uninjured hand. "But…why?"

"Why? Why do you think? You're the closest damn thing to a daughter that I have, Asa. You need to know that you matter to me." He lifted her chin so that she met his gaze. "I lose a lot of sleep over you coming home safely. And you needed to hear that in person, not over the damn vid-comm."

Shepard couldn't speak around the lump in her throat, so she settled for a quick nod and focused on blinking back the tears in her eyes.

Anderson gave her a moment . He glanced over at Zaeed who was leaning casually against the stair railing. "He's a good man, Asa. I'd like to disapprove of him. But he's good for you and good to you."

Shepard grinned up at Anderson. "I told you."

"So you did. Keep him close. I'll feel better knowing that you've got someone like him by your side." Anderson turned serious and got to his feet. "I've got to head back to Earth."

"Stay alive, Anderson." She had so much more to say but no words came.

He bent over to place a kiss on her forehead. "I love you, kid."

She rolled her eyes at him. "I thought I'd progressed beyond kid."

"Never."

"Hey Anderson." She called out to him just before he got to the stairs. "I love you too."

Anderson continued out of the room. He paused next to Zaeed. "You take good care of her, Massani."

Zaeed just raised an eyebrow in response. Once the Admiral was gone, he turned towards Shepard.

"The next person who drags me into a room and starts kicking me is getting eviscerated." She yawned. "Hey Massani, did you hear, I'm under orders to stay close to you."

The pain meds started to kick in and she was asleep before she could hear Zaeed's response. She woke up hours later to find herself nose to nose with Zaeed. His arms stretched around her. She grinned when he started to snore. Stretching her head a little, she began tracing the tattoo on his neck with her tongue.

"What're you doing, Little Lamb?" A very sleepy voice growled in her ear.

She lifted her hand to cover his mouth. "Shh, Zaeed, I'm trying to decide what the tastiest part of your body is. You should relax, it might take a while."


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N:**

**Slightly AU-ish .**

***potential triggers**

**Beta: None**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

"EDI, can you give me a private channel with Zaeed?" Shepard was halfway across the damaged docking tube. Tali and Zaeed were waiting for her to get across before they started the journey themselves.

"Yes, Commander. Setting the link up now." EDI responded immediately.

"Zaeed?"

"Little Lamb?" His gruff voice was slightly muffled by the breather.

"I need you to talk to me so I can forget about getting spaced again." Shepard tried not to think too hard about the giant hole she was walking around.

"Just keep walking, the mag boots will keep you safe." Zaeed responded almost immediately.

"Damn mag boots." Shepard kept putting one foot in front of the other. "It hurt."

"What hurt?"

"Suffocating in my armor." Shepard decided to face her demons instead of distracting herself from them. "The oxygen leak killed me slowly. It was so fucking painful, and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it."

"Goddamn collectors," he muttered.

"Bastards." Shepard chuckled. She was about to say something else when the tube fell out from under her feet.

_Shit._

"Shepard?" Zaeed's shout come across the comm a second or two later. "Little Lamb? The bloody tube fell, are you there?"

"I'm fine, I'm…fine." Shepard forced herself to move forward into the dreadnought. "Tell Tali to figure out where the hell I need to go to find another tube to open for you two."

Shepard was going to shoot Admiral Gerrel. She was going to peel his goddamn helmet off and shoot him in the goddamn head. They raced through the geth ship while ducking and dodging massive explosions. They needed to find a damn ride off the thing before they went up with it. She leaped over to the geth fighter just as the gravity on the ship disappeared.

_Oh fucking hell. Not again._

She started to sail over the fighter when a strong hand grabbed her leg and yanked her down.

"You keep your goddamn feet planted on the goddamn ground," Zaeed growled while pulling her inside the small cargo area inside the fighter.

"Technically, it's a ship," she muttered.

"Not the bloody point."

Shepard managed to resist shooting the Admiral. She went for a more hands on approach and gut-checked the bastard before getting Vega to escort him back to the quarian heavy fleet. A couple of days later, Shepard was once again crammed into another geth fighter.

"Pull over, Legion." Shepard looked down at the laser designator in her hands.

"Shepard-Commander?"

"EDI have the quarian fleet sync up with the _Normandy's _targeting system," Shepard ordered. "Time to blow this fucker up."

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" Zaeed's hand clamped around her arm.

"Stopping this pointless war and getting two damn fleets to help us take back Earth." Shepard started to stand but he yanked her back down. "Zaeed, this is not up for debate."

"You're not facing that bloody thing alone." Zaeed glared at her.

"Pull over, Legion." Shepard pried Zaeed's hand from her arm.

"Don't do this, Little Lamb." His voice held a warning edge to it that she chose to ignore.

"Get the hell out of here, Legion." Shepard ordered before jumping down to face the reaper.

"Shepard-Commander, good luck." Legion flew the fighter out of sight.

"Fucking hell that thing is huge." Shepard muttered before dodging out-of-the-way of its cannon.

"Focus, Shepard." Zaeed's voice came over the comm.

"Stop growling at me and I will." She rolled to the right just before a second beam came from the reaper. "Fuck."

The damn thing kept getting closer. She was going to run out of room to dodge away from it. The fleets had already targeted it at least four times with a minimal amount of success. She figured she had one last shot at it. And like everything else in her career, it was the last shot that counted the most.

With the reaper taken care of, Shepard yelled the quarians down from the proverbial cliff. _Peace._ But peace came with a price, and this time it was Legion who sacrificed himself. Just once, she wanted to get what she was after for the war without losing a friend.

She sat on the edge of the cliff watching Tali who was wandering around Rannoch. Shepard got the feeling that the young quarian was picturing what the home her father had once promised her would look like.

"Before you start yelling, I'd like to point out that our options were limited." She didn't bother turning around, she could feel Zaeed glaring at her.

"What the hell happened to your arm?" He took a seat next to her on the ground.

"I didn't dodge fast enough," Shepard glanced down at her arm. "It's nothing serious."

"Next time, Little Lamb, dodge fucking faster." Zaeed picked up her arm to get a better look at it. "Fuck it, next time stay in the goddamn fighter."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N:**

**Slightly AU-ish .**

***potential triggers**

**Beta: None**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

_Shake it off._

Anderson's advice was still ringing in her ears while the _Normandy_ headed to Sanctuary. She'd gotten in a screaming match with Joker over his ill-timed joke about the asari. Then she'd broken up a fight between Liara and Javik. She stole a beer from Cortez and went to hide in Life Support. It was nice and quiet in there.

She collapsed on Thane's old cot and drank her beer. She tossed the empty bottle in the air and hit it with a biotic throw. It shattered against the wall. She lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Shepard wasn't sure that she could take any more guilt in this war.

_Plans...must be put in motion. Continuity of civilization has to be considered._

"Who are you hiding from?"

Shepard lifted her head to see Massani standing just inside the doorway. "I'm not hiding. I'm taking a nap."

"You've got the biggest bloody bed on the ship, and you're napping on a cot in Life Support? Bullshit." Zaeed glanced down at the broken glass on the floor. "You and Garrus have another shooting contest?"

She let her head fall back down on the cot and closed her eyes. "I'm fine, Zaeed."

"Heard you yelled at Joker." He stepped over to sit on the edge of the cot.

"Commander? We're at Sanctuary." Joker had the most amazing timing.

"Tell Vega to meet us at the Kodiak." Shepard moved around Zaeed to get off the cot and head for the door.

Shepard didn't speak on the ride back from Sanctuary. She tried desperately to get the haunting images of the refugees out of her mind. She focused all her energy on hitting the Illusive Man on his own base and then the reapers on Earth. That's how she found herself alone with Anderson on the Citadel. The Illusive Man lay dead on the floor. And she was left trying to figure out how the hell to keep the Admiral alive.

"You did good, child. You did good." Anderson's voice broke for a moment. "I love you. And I'm proud of you."

"Stay with me, Anderson. I need you." Shepard cradled the Admiral in her lap.

"You'll be fine. I love you, Asa. Remember that. This wasn't your fault."

And then, he was gone.

"Anderson?"

_No. No. No._

Shepard stared down at the lifeless body in her arms.

_Goddamn this fucking war._

She'd rather have taken a bullet to the brain than shoot Anderson. He bled out in her arms. Tears streamed down her face. The Crucible fired after she'd slammed her fist into the panel. She didn't give a shit if it worked or not. She didn't care if it had been indoctrination or some other form of reaper control. Anderson was dead. She murdered him. There wasn't enough medi-gel in the universe to bring him back.

_Oh god._

_Anderson._

_I'm proud of you._

"Little Lamb? Are you there?" Zaeed's voice crackled over the comm. There was still interference making it hard to understand him. "Shepard? Answer me."

"I'm here."

"You did it. The reapers are…"

"He's dead." Shepard didn't want to celebrate or to be congratulated.

"Who?" Zaeed must have caught the distress in her voice.

"Anderson." Shepard choked on his name. "The Illusive Man had reaper tech in him. He was indoctrinated. I couldn't stop…he made me pull the trigger. I killed…oh god."

"Where are you? We've already docked with the Citadel now." Zaeed sounded like he was running.

"It doesn't matter." Shepard didn't want to talk anymore. She didn't want to think or feel.

"Shepard?"

She found herself staring at the gun in her hand. She'd done her job. The reapers were gone. Why couldn't she be done as well?

"Little Lamb? Talk to me."

Her side had finally stopped bleeding. She held the N7 Eagle loosely in her right hand. Anderson's body was still in her lap. She ran her left hand across his brow. He'd sheltered her from so many storms and it was her goddamn bullet that took his life.

_Fuck._

"This was not your fault, Shepard." Zaeed's voice broke into her thoughts. He still sounded like he was running. "I'm starting to worry about you."

She lifted the pistol to her head.

"Little Lamb? Please say something. Don't do this to me. There's been enough death in this war." His voice held an edge of panic that she'd never heard.

"I…" She didn't want him on the comm to hear. But she couldn't get hers to turn off. "Turn your comm off."

"Why?"

"Do it." Her hand was starting to tremble.

"No I bloody won't. So whatever you're thinking about, if you don't want me to hear, that you better not fucking do it." Zaeed must've picked up his pace because she could hear his boots now. "You remember your goddamn promise to me, Shepard."

"I did everything that they asked. I'm tired. I'm so tired that I could sleep forever." Shepard brushed impatiently at the tears on her face.

"I know you are. And we'll go somewhere…away from everyone…and you can sleep. I promise." Zaeed whispered something to someone that she couldn't hear.

"This is better." She tried to change the comm channel but it was still stuck. _Damn it. _"I have to go now, Zaeed."

"No you bloody well don't."

She didn't want to talk anymore.

_I'm proud of you. _

_Damn it, Anderson. _

_She couldn't do this without him._

"Put the gun down."

She glanced up to find Zaeed standing a few feet away. "Stay over there."

"I can't do that, Little Lamb." He took carefully measured steps until he was squatting just in front of her. "I'm going to reach up and take the gun from you. No more blood gets spilt today."

Her finger twitched on the trigger but he grabbed the gun before it could go off. He tossed it aside and then knelt in front of her. He glanced down at the body in her lap.

"I'm going to move the Admiral." He started to move the body but Shepard clung to it. "We've got to get you to the hospital."

"I'm not leaving him." She pushed him away with one arm. "I'm not…"

"Vega, get your over-sized ass up here." Zaeed yelled over the comm.

"On my way."

"James will take good care of the Admiral." He motioned the Lieutenant over once he reached them. Vega had brought Commander Bailey with him.

"Lola?" Vega crouched down beside Massani. "Let me and Bailey take care of Admiral Anderson. We'll make sure that he's…"

Shepard reluctantly let him take the body out of her arms. She buried her face in her hands. The three men exchanged worried glances. She let Zaeed lift her and he raced back the way he had come towards the hospital.

.

* * *

_Two weeks later…._

"I have to put her on suicide watch." Chakwas spoke to Zaeed outside Shepard's hospital room. "You know I have to, we can't risk her trying to hurt herself."

"I'm not letting you put her in a padded fucking cell, doc." Zaeed shook his head. "Let me get her the hell out of her for a little bit. I can help her."

"I don't think you…"

"Enough." He'd had enough of the fucking Alliance and doctors. They just kept making things worse, not better. "I'm taking her. Nothing that you've done here at the hospital has helped her at all. And you know it. The medication certainly isn't working. I'm taking her out of here, today."

Chakwas through her hands up in the air. "Fine. Let it be on your head."

He stepped back into Shepard's hospital room. She was curled up on the bed in the fetal position. She'd been that way since they started her on the goddamn sedatives. Anderson would've been beyond angry if he could see her like this. The Admiral had fought so hard to keep her out of this very situation. Zaeed sure as hell wasn't going to leave her like this.

He picked her up off the bed and started for the door. Her eyes opened after a moment. She seemed to struggle to focus on anything. Her arms wrapped around his neck and her head rested against his shoulder.

"Zaeed?" One of her hands reached out to touch the tattoo on his neck. "Please be real, this isn't another damn dream is it?"

"No, Little Lamb, not a dream. I'm getting you the fuck out of here." He held her tightly and carried her out of the hospital. He took her back to her apartment that he'd spent the last few weeks having rebuilt.

It took damn near three days for all the medications to wear off. Three very long days. If he had to watch her shiver, spasm or puke one more goddamn time, he might take his rifle and kill every fucking doctor at Huerta. _Idiots._ The fourth morning, she actually looked more like herself. But she hadn't said a damn word the entire time.

The seventh morning, he woke up to find her side of the bed empty. The sound of the piano playing downstairs caught his attention. He headed downstairs to find Shepard picking out a tune on the piano. He took a seat on the bench beside her. She turned her head towards him.

"I want to get another tattoo," Shepard remarked offhand. "For Anderson."

"I know a good artist." Zaeed wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "How are…"

"Don't ask." She stopped him mid-question. "I'm better. I can think again. And…I don't want to shoot myself anymore."

"But?"

"I shot him."

"Little Lamb." His arm tightened around her shoulders. "Tell me something, would Anderson have wanted to see you like this?"

"I…"

"I think the Admiral would tell you that there was nothing you could have done differently up there on the Citadel. He would've said you did your job and that he was damn proud of you." Zaeed decided it was time for a little tough love. "He loved you. The Illusive Man would've killed both of you; there was nothing you could've done to prevent it."

"But…"

"No, Little Lamb, it's ok to grieve. But you can't stop living because Anderson would be so disappointed to know that his death caused that." He worried that maybe he'd pushed too far because she'd gone very still. But he couldn't stop now. "And I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. I just don't know if you're still here for me."

Her hand moved from the piano keys to rest on his knee. "I'm going to need you to remind me of all of that over and over for a while."

"I can do that." He turned so that he was straddling the bench.

"So what the hell do I do now that the reapers are gone?" Shepard got up from the bench to step over to the window. The world was moving on and she clearly needed to do the same. "Was I Cat-6'd?"

Zaeed came up behind her. He pulled her back against his chest. His hands rested on her hips. "You were not. Though, retirement might have been suggested."

"I'm sure." She turned in his arms. She slid her hands up his chest. "Have you ever been to London?"

"Not since the reaper war. Why?"

"Anderson was born there. He always promised to give me a tour of the city. I've been thinking, maybe retirement wouldn't be such a bad idea." She still looked haunted and exhausted but anything that put a little hope back in her eyes was worth a shot.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N:**

**Slightly AU-ish .**

***potential triggers**

**Last chapter. =)**

**Beta: None**

**Bioware owns all. Sadly.**

**Read. Enjoy. Review. Follow. Favorite. I'll love you forever lol.**

Zaeed knew that visiting Anderson's memorial in London would hit Shepard hard. He'd expected tears, but she stayed stoically silent the entire time. In fact the entire rest of the day, she remained quiet and withdrawn. When they finally got back to their hotel room, she immediately ducked into the bathroom and had spent the last two hours having a _bath._

Another hour passed and he finally gave in to the concern that rose in his gut. He opened the door to find the bathroom empty. _Goddamn it._ He checked the door that led out to a small balcony. _Nothing. _ Shepard had disappeared.

* * *

_From: Massani_

_To: T'soni_

_Subj: Shepard. _

_Find her._

_Massani_

* * *

He walked the streets of London long into the night looking for any sign of her. But Shepard hadn't spent all that time as a runner with the Reds for nothing. Finding her would not be easy if she didn't want to be found. He headed over to the memorial that they had visited earlier in the day.

She wasn't there.

But a pair of dogtags hanging from the corner of told him that she'd been there at some point. He grabbed the tags and draped them around his neck under his armor. The last thing that Shepard needed was for some random passerby to steal them from the memorial. They'd end up on the bloody extranet for sale. He sent Liara a quick follow up message, maybe there was security footage from around the cemetery that would provide a direction.

* * *

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: London_

_From: Massani_

_To: Shepard_

_19:17 Z: Little Lamb? _

_19:23 Z: Where the bloody hell are you?_

_19:35 Z: I will tear this city apart looking for you._

_19:38 S: London might not appreciate that._

_19:42 Z: Then tell me where the goddamn hell you are._

_19:45 S: I need some alone time._

_19:48 Z: You can have all the goddamn alone time that you want when you come back to the hotel with me._

_19:52 S: I don't think you understand what 'alone time' entails._

_19:55 Z: I will leave you alone when I know where you goddamn are._

_19:58 S: I'm in London._

_19:59 Z: Little Lamb. _

_20:01 S: They Cat 6'd me._

_20:02 Z: What?_

_20:03 S: I got a message from Admiral Hackett this morning. He tried to fight it, but I've been Cat 6'd. I am officially no longer an Alliance Marine. Retirement was not an option._

_20:04 Z: Bastards._

_20:06 S: It's my own fault. _

_20:07 Z: So how long is this alone time going to last?_

_20:18 S: Goodbye, Zaeed._

_20:19 User has disconnected._

* * *

Shepard didn't blame Hackett. She'd known that they would Cat 6 her. They couldn't afford to let her have control of the _Normandy_ after she'd been locked up in the psych ward and heavily sedated. The bastards could've let her retire though. Somehow, seeing Anderson's memorial had torn open the hole in her heart. She was never going to see him again, and she was never going to have the helm of the _Normandy_ again.

_What the hell was left after all of that was gone?_

_Zaeed._

She had intended to ignore his repeated attempts to connect with her.

_And she did…for a couple days…then she finally caved._

* * *

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: London_

_From: Massani_

_To: Shepard_

_23:27 Z: Little Lamb?_

_23:29 S: Will you…I…_

_23:31 Z: Whatever the bloody hell you need, just tell me._

_23:34 S: I'm…I'm down by the River Thames, near the new clock. _

_23:35 Z: Do not move, Little Lamb. Do not move; do not bloody do a damn thing until I get there. I'm on my way. _

_23:39 Z: I'm leaving this open…you tell me if something bloody changes._

* * *

Zaeed made it across London impressively quickly. He found her sitting on the edge of the river wall looking down at the murky water below. He moved quietly not wanting to spook her. Before she even realized that he was there, he had her up off the wall and in his arms. He sat on a nearby bench with her held very tightly in his lap.

"Fucking hell, you're going to kill me one of these days, Little Lamb." He muttered against her neck.

"I made a decision." She wrapped her arms around him.

"Yea? What's that?"

"I sent Hackett a message. He's going to let me retire instead of Cat 6'ing me. He said that he owed Anderson at least that. I get a nice retirement package, and I get to keep my rank." She paused for a moment before continuing. "Anderson wanted me to…find happiness."

"And?"

"I didn't have to look very far." She poked him in the chest with her finger.


End file.
